It's 5:20 am, I've been awake since 5 and I can't go back to sleep. Today is the last day of my job and I'm a lot more sad than I thought I would be. The whole process has been dragged out for way longer than it should have. I am a mixture of extreme sadness and some anger and a lot worried and a little excited. I have been going through my days pretty bored at work, finishing up loose ends and doing a lot of nothing, however, today is going to be a hard day for me.
Last night I went to bed and decided to look at my phone one more time before going to sleep. I got this message from my closest coworker:
"I can't believe tomorrow is your last day! it's going to be lonely and very weird without you. if you haven't noticed yet, I've been honing my avoidance skills and that's why I haven't been back to your office. I really don't care to see it empty! I've never worked so closely with someone for so long and I'm so glad that person has been you for the past 4 years. you are an amazing woman and so good at what you do, and I will miss you so very much. great, now I'm crying. Again. Thank You Skagit County for taking my job away. ugh"
And of course I spent the next 30-45 minutes bawling. I can't even get down all that I feel and all that I want to say.
Four years and three months ago I started this job. I was scared and I had no idea what I was doing. My coworker, Heidi, started Mental Health Court the same day as me (she already worked at Compass, was just taking a different job internally), I never would have guessed at how closely or how well we would work together. One of the biggest reasons I stayed at that job for so long was because of her. I know I will never, ever find a situation where I work as closely or as well with someone else. And honestly, I mourn that more than anything.
I am worried about my clients. I've heard rumors that the new agency they are going to is not very good. I heard one just yesterday from another coworker about one of her clients that was pretty stable and then went to this new agency and decompensated very badly, with the person that has my job as his case manager. I don't want my clients to fail because of the incompetency of the people running the program.
At the same time that I don't want the clients to fail the program, I want the program itself to fail. When my coworker and I took over the program, it was small and pretty much not doing well. With my coworker leading the way, the program grew, and we were at capacity for much of the 4 years we did it. We had a higher success rate than it has ever had and many of the clients that successfully graduated are continuing to do very well in the "real" world. I don't know if that success can be obtained with this new agency. It's all about the money, not about the people and that is the trouble with the world.
Later . . .
I will take a picture, but I've been having problems posting pictures on my home computer, so I don't know if I will be able to or not. I hope to get the problem fixed soon.
My sister called just as I was finishing up a card for my coworker. All she said was "how are you?" and I started bawling. It really wasn't her that made me cry, but I had been holding back my tears while I wrote the card and then her asking how I was opened the flood gates. I calmed down and we talked for a little bit.
That's all I've got today. Next week I'll be better, although, I may not be as diligent as posting this summer, I want to get out and be active with my time off. =)