Friday, August 26, 2016

People say . . .

People say don't compare yourself to others, compare yourself to yourself. . .  so I have obsessed over comparing myself to myself latetly, and it's not good.  I keep thinking "a year ago . . . "  A year ago, I was running my longest distances ever, and was feeling great about my body and myself.  I got down to a smaller size than I've ever been in my life (well, since I quit growing), and the lowest weight in my adult life.  I wasn't especially fast, but faster than I am now. 

And I keep comparing myself to myself. It doesn't help that I've gained quite a bit of weight.  Three months is a long time to not exercise, and I haven't really changed my eating habits, have actually been a bit worse.  I keep telling myself to quit snacking, quit having that extra afternoon coffee (that one is the hardest), and I keep ignoring myself. 

(Oh and don't get me started on how much I miss my long hair.)

I also keep telling myself that it's only temporary.  My ankle will heal, I will be able to run again. I will train for another marathon, I will get back down to a smaller size and weight.  But going on 15 weeks of this injury, I feel this is not a "temporary" thing. 

Just in the last couple weeks, as I've mentioned, I've changed some things.  Vacation, while I didn't eat fantastically, was where I decided I was going to start exercising again.  And I did.  I swam almost everyday.  I came back and have been going to a gym, this week I've been twice and am going today after work.  I've been tracking all my food, and still am going over my allotted calories.  It's not running, and it's not as frequent, but it's something.  2 weeks, well, technically 3 counting vacation, of exercising, and I haven't lost a lb.  In fact, last week I was up.  It really goes to show that I need to quit eating.

More than once in my life I have wished I could be anorexic. Just enough to lose weight, then I'd go back to eating.  Isn't that a strange wish?  It sounds even stranger once I've written it.  But don't worry.  I can't.  Sadly I've actually tried, and I failed at it.  (It's for the best.)  I don't like being hungry (who does?) and I'm not unhappy with myself enough to force myself to be hungry. 

So, the gym. . . I really like the gym I'm going to.  I said before, but my sister got me a 2 week pass to her gym.  And I've been going as often as I can.  It's in Everett and I have been going after work. This week I did 2 cycle classes.  I really enjoyed the second, and not so much the first.  My ankle was feeling really good all week, I even wore heels on Tuesday.  Yesterday I rode the bus, so couldn't go to the gym, so I thought I might try running.  When I got home I mentioned it to Chris, and he got upset, saying that I've been gone all week in the evenings.  So I didn't go run.  (It's probably a good thing because my ankle is bothering me some today.)  But it makes me think about the resistance I would get if I mentioned that I want to join the gym for real.  At least for a little while.  They say you have to put yourself first, but how do you do that when you have a family?  What is the line?  Where is it acceptable to put yourself, and your health, first but still be home with your family? 

I feel that if the gym was in Mt. Vernon it would feel different to Chris.  Then I would go home, change and go to the gym.  But since it's not, I have to go right after work and don't go home first, it feels like I'm gone longer, when in reality I'm not.  I tried to say that to Chris yesterday, that it's the same as me going for a run, I just don't come home first or shower at home.  But I don't know if he really gets it. 

Next week will be a little trickier with the gym.  Damian starts school and can't watch Maddox.  (Maddox doesn't start until the 6th.)  Since we only have one car, going to the gym after work makes it hard to pick up Maddox at a reasonable hour.  I've been thinking about going to the gym during lunch to swim.  And then doing the cycle class on Wednesday only.  (Honestly, I liked the cycle class so much, I would go everyday, but they don't offer it every day, and it doesn't start till 5:30, Chris would really be unhappy about that.) 

Going to the gym at lunch time would also require the purchase of a hair dryer, which I haven't owned in a long time, and even when I did own one, I didn't use.  That would be the solution to joining a gym longterm.  Just going at lunch. 

So the best solution to joining a gym would be to just join one in Mt. Vernon.  But, there are only 2 with pools, the YMCA (which is a gross pool) and Riverside Health Club (the most expensive gym I've seen).   Both are more expensive than LA Fitness in Everett.  Riverside Health Club requires a year commitment, the Y doesn't, but you pay $10 a month more than if you had the year commitment.  LA Fitness doesn't require a year commitment, and it's still cheaper than the Y's price is with the year commitment. 

Sorry to ramble about this, it's been in my head for a week and I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do.  Plus, I'm frustrated today with my ankle.

Monday, August 22, 2016

Another week gone

Well, I'm back to work.  I've been back for a week now.  It was tough to come back, the weather got really nice the last half of the week and it made it a lot more difficult to leave.  The first half of the week I was swimming 2x a day for 30 min and then after the weather got nice, it got harder for me to go swim for exercise.  I don't know why it got harder.  I skipped Friday, and then only did one 30 min swim Thursday and one on Saturday. 
I asked Damian to take a couple
pictures, and this was the best one.
The last full day we were there (Sunday) we had to go to Chris's brother's wedding.  It was a very nice location, a ranch only 45 min from where we were staying, and a nice day (but a little too hot).  We were asked to be there an hour early, I thought for pictures, but then we just stood around and melted.  Then the wedding was 45 min late, and we continued to melt.  The reception was beer (cheap beer) and water, which was very sad for me as I don't drink beer.  We waited an hour for them to join the reception, and then after the dances were over (daughter/father, bride/groom, and groom/stepkids) they disappeared again and were gone for the rest of the reception. 

I took Maddox for a walk, and ended up with another little girl, who was 2.  She was really cute, but after 2 or 3 hours she

 started getting tired and didn't want to listen to me anymore.  I handed her back to her mom and dad.  It was a long day, and I got pretty bored.  I felt like it was a waste of my last day of vacation.  I got cheated out of one more day of floating in the lake.  Oh well.  I couldn't say I wasn't going to go.  =/

I got back last week with the intention of joining the YMCA.  I was going to swim and do a couple cycle classes.  Well, I was looking at they pool schedule and noticed that it said the pool will be closed from 8/20-8/29 for maintenance.  There goes those plans.  =/  So I started looking at other options.

My sister goes to LA Fitness, so I asked her about it, and she said she could get me a 2 week pass to go "try it out."  So I decided to do that.  There's one in Everett where I work, and I can go right after work.  They have cycle classes Monday and Wednesdays at 5:30, which is a little late, but doable. 

I decided to go for a run last Tuesday to test my ankle, which did nicely and then I went to the YMCA on Wednesday as a drop in to swim ($10 for a drop in, seems steep).  Then I started my 2 weeks at LA Fitness on Friday and swam for 30 min.  I thought swimming back and forth at the lake was hard, it's much harder in a pool.  I think that's because the laps are longer.  I have to stop and rest every half lap.  It's hard! 

I ran again yesterday, and again, my ankle seems to be doing okay.  It still is sore, tomorrow it'll be the most sore, but it's so much better than it was. 

If you know me, which no one that reads this really does, you know that I love shoes, specifically heels.  So not only does my ankle affect my running, but also my shoe choices.  I really, really miss my shoes.

Well, I probably could type more, since it's been 11 days since my last post, but I'll leave it at this for now.  Below are more pictures of my vacation.  ; )
I read a lot.  I didn't bring enough books, I ran
out at the end of the week.

Damian lost his shoe in the lake pulling the
boat up to the dock, and instead of floating
in, like we had been all week, it started floating
out, so he had to grab a raft and row himself to
get his shoe.  It was hilarious.
Waiting for the wedding, that is Damian's cousin, that we've
only met one other time.

The boys drinking . . . and waiting.

The kids waiting.

Maddox and the little girl I watched watching
the horses.

Thursday, August 11, 2016


Another 3 weeks since I posted last, this is getting to be a bad habit.

Currently I am sitting at my family's lake house in eastern WA watching the ducks play in the lake.  It hasn't been as nice weather-wise as it was a yer ago, which has been very sad.  We came here to enjoy the hot weather and float in the lake, and sadly it's been cloudy and raining and not very warm.

 Today is the first morning I've woken up and seen sun on the lake.
It has made for some pretty spectacular sunsets though.

Today my parents are coming up and bringing their boat.  I'm conflicted about this, because it's supposed to be the nicest day so far (each day has progressively gotten better, but today is supposed to be sunny, instead of "partly cloudy") and I'd really like a day to float on the lake.  Plus, while I love my parents, they are not drinkers, and I always feel like I need to either not drink around them, or hide it.  I've mostly grown out of that feeling, but there is always that thought in my head, "is my mom judging me for my 3rd glass of wine?"  ; )

Running-wise, I'm not.  I keep comparing myself to myself a year ago.  A year ago I was training for a marathon and on this trip I did a 10 mile run in unfamiliar territory, got almost attacked by a dog (probably my scariest run ever) and was at my most physically fit since high school, maybe even ever. (If you check out that link, look at my face, it's so skinny compared to now, that was a hard post to look at with my stupid comparative issues I'm going through now. Oh, and I miss my long hair.) I was also the smallest I've ever been (even in high school), wearing a size 6 (something I've never worn before).  This year, I'm back up to at least 7 lbs (which I know isn't a lot, but it feels like a lot) I'm pushing a size 10, and just generally feeling bad about myself.  It's hard, I know that I'm not fat, I know that it's temporary, but it's the thoughts in my head and the frustrations of not being able to run regularly.

Here are some comparison photos, maybe not a good thing to post given my current thoughts about my weight.

I really am trying to tell myself it's temporary, let my ankle heal properly and I'll be able to run again, and hopefully fit the size 6 pair of pants I had to put in my closet.

While I'm here I'm swimming. I'm forcing myself to go do "laps" 2 times a day for 30 min each.  I am enjoying the exercise, but it's hard.  I used to love swimming.  We had a pool in our backyard growing up and I was swimming almost daily, but now, I just miss running.  Plus, swimming is hard work.  I can't breathe properly, and I'm seriously scared of open water.  I hate seaweed, and not knowing what's under me.  It really, really freaks me out.  So much so that when I'm tubing on my parents' boat I have to practice breathing exercises when I fall off the tube so I don't have a panic attack.

I'm using goggles while I swim, so that has helped a lot with my irrational fears, but I still turn around once I hit the seaweed so it doesn't touch me.  (you can laugh, it's okay)

I've never used goggles before.  Damian has always asked me for them and I always thought they were silly and useless.  They are amazing.  I don't know if I'll ever swim without them again.  

I've decided I'm going to join the Y when I get home, at least for one month.  My ankle seems to be doing okay with the swimming, and I can do spin classes and swim.  This means I'm gonna have to buy some goggles (the ones I'm wearing here aren't mine) and a one piece suit.  In good news, my   upper body and back will be super sexy.  =)

I've made a rule for myself, I can't drink any alcohol until I've swam.  It is working.  It was super, super hard to get in the water on Tuesday, that was the worst weather wise, it was cold and rainy, and I just didn't want to do it. But I'm getting my swims in early, once in the morning, and once in the early afternoon, or late morning.

So, what happened to my race a month until my 40th birthday goal?  Well, I planned to do a race on July 30th.  I didn't preregister, because in true Cathy fashion, I waited for the last min and the price went up anyway, so I decided just to do day of race registration.  I noticed that all of the July races were on the 4th of July, but I wanted to wait as long as possible to let my ankle heal.  The only one I could find after the 4th was one in Ferndale (about 45 miles north of me).  It was the Old Settlers 5k.  Well, I got there and they had canceled it, the night before, and not posted it anywhere (I looked at the website before leaving home for the address).  

I had told Chris' old roommate and friend, who lives in Ferndale, that I was going to run that race and he said he might join me.  I text him when I found out it was canceled and he asked if I wanted to run with him anyway.  I said sure, so we met up and went for a run.  The route we took was 4 miles, and I seriously about died.  I had told him that I hadn't run in a while and needed to go slow.  He said he was fine with that because he had run the Ragnar a few weeks before and was still recovering, plus, he had his son with him and was going to push him.  

I've run with him once before, a year ago, and he says one speed, but is ultimately faster.  We started out at a good pace, 10 min/mile, and then at mile 2.5 he was going 9:20 min/mile.  I was dying and told him I needed to slow down but he could go ahead.  I think I finished at 11 min/mile, or so. 

So my question is, can I count that run as my July race?  It wasn't my fault the race was canceled and I still ran.  Plus, I stopped mapmyrun at 3.16 miles to pretend that it was a 5k. . .  I feel like I can count it.  So I think I'll add it to my ticker (that doesn't seem like the right word) on the side.   

So I'm going to leave you with a couple pictures from our trip.  =)  Maddox is adorable, by the way.
He was ready to go!