Sunday, October 26, 2014

moving

Today was the day I was supposed to run my first marathon. I know it's better for me to have backed off on the marathon, and even stopped running (for now), but that doesn't mean I like it or am not sad that I couldn't do the marathon today. Instead, today, I am packing.  Not exactly what I would like to be doing, but in all honesty it is probably best that I didn't do the marathon now that I know I have to move.

I read a lot of blogs.   Somewhere around 40-50 (luckily not all of them post a ton, in fact, some of my favorites either stopped posting, or are very sporadic lately), and everyone has a different level of what they share.  Some of the ones I read share just about everything, and some of them share hardly anything personal.  I have to admit that I like more of a personal touch, more of the sharing of every day life, mixed in with running or fitness/healthy eating stuff.  My good friend from college that I talked about the other day with her new blog shares very personal stuff, but not the names of her family members, and I have yet to see her share a picture.  However, she is willing to put her blog on Facebook to let her friends and family read it. 

I feel like I share everything.  I share my kids' lives, my life, their names, even pictures of them (they're just so cute!).  I talk about my running and not a whole lot about what I eat (on the healthy side, but definitely not as healthy as some people).  But I am terrified of sharing my blog on Facebook.  Only one friend of mine has ever read my blog (Hi Misty! if you're still reading) (that I know of), Chris knows of it, but has never looked at it, probably doesn't even know the name of my blog. 

Where am I going with this?  I don't know.  I wish I was braver and wasn't so scared to share this with friends and family.  However, I worry that they will look at it and see how pathetic of a life I really live.  I am not the most fantastic writer.  I am not the best story teller.  Once upon a time I wanted to write for a living, but now that I'm "old" I know I'm actually not the best of writers.  I wish I was.  I am thankful for the 15 followers I have, even if they don't actually read it all the time.  =)

Like I said, I tend to over share on my personal life, and it's really hard not to talk about some of the reasons we are moving.  But they are in the personal category that I don't feel is appropriate to share.  We have never been completely happy with the house that we bought, it was intended as a "fixer upper" but the economy crashed right after we bought it and it never got fixed up.  It's damp, and there is mold growing on the ceiling in one of the rooms.  When we had Maddox we made the "bonus" room into the master bedroom but it was never intended for that and is even damper than the rest of the house.  When I don't wear something for a long time it often has the smell of mold on it.  Needless to say, it isn't exactly a healthy environment for me or my family.  My allergies are always worse when it's damp out, Maddox often has a running nose, and Chris gets this weird cold every 6 months or so.  Damian is the only one that seems immune to it.  (I'm just thankful none of us have developed asthma or are deathly allergic to mold spores.)

Are there more problems than mold, you ask?  Why yes, there are.  The hot water heater has started to leak and the toilet seal isn't working anymore, so it's constantly running.  The furnace is probably as old as the house (built in 1952) and the faucet handle on the bathtub is broken.  These are definitely minor problems compared to the mold, but still problems.  So I'm not especially sad to be saying goodbye to this house.  However, it is the only house Maddox has ever known.  By the time Damian was 4 (Maddox is only 3), we had moved 6 times.  I don't like moving, have never wanted to move so much, and when I moved to Lynnwood (in 2002) I was done moving.  Damian and I lived there for 6 years, and then we moved here, to Mt. Vernon and have been here 6 years and 10 months. 

The biggest problem is that we know we have to move, and soon.  However, we don't know where. We have yet to find a place.  So I'm packing, but I don't have a destination yet.  (We are staying in Mt. Vernon however.)  That is the most frustrating and stressful part of this whole thing.  Well, that and not having a job and needing one badly. 

Anyway, I completed week 4 of Insanity.  I wasn't as diligent with it as the program calls.  Most weeks I skipped "cardio recovery" in the middle of the week, and a couple times I skipped the Saturday workout because of different reasons.  (Can't remember the second reason, but the first time I skipped it I went to eastern WA.)  I have not lost any weight on Insanity, but that's okay, at least I'm not gaining weight.  =)



Thursday, October 23, 2014

I'm not dead

Have I ever told you that I love the fall?  I love the crisp morning air.  I love the leaves.  I love sweaters.  I love slippers.  I love waking up before everyone else and having a cup of coffee while reading my book (or like this morning, the blogs I am once again behind on)(I guess I love that all year round).  I love the coolness in the afternoon that makes running so fantastic.  I love running on trails where the leaves have fallen and hearing the crunch under foot.  I LOVE running in the fall. . .  Oh wait . . . I'm not running right now. 

This morning I even got dressed in my favorite oversized sweater just so I could sit in it . . . and then realized I had shrunk it the last week when I washed it.  It's been several months since I last washed it and I forgot that it is strictly hang dry.  So now my oversized comfy sweater fits, and isn't oversized or as comfy. =(  I'm very bummed. 

I am in the middle of week 4 of Insanity.  I feel like they are good workouts.  I literally drip sweat during and after my workouts.  But I just don't feel the same in my body as I do when I run.  I don't feel as lean, or as strong. In reality, I'm probably stronger since I'm working my entire body and not just the specific muscles that help me run, but I don't feel stronger.  And I definitely feel bigger. 

Probably because I am bigger.  Since losing my job I've gained 5lbs.  I'm not happy about it.  It's amazing because the last time I was 150, I was so proud and happy and thought that if I didn't lose anymore weight I'd be okay because I look fine.  Then I went down to 145 (even 143 for a short time) and now, being back up to 150, I feel fat.  I feel gross. My jeans are tight and I no longer need a belt.  I can see the difference. 

One last thing.  We are moving.  We don't know where (staying in the same town) but we have to leave our house.  It's a long story, but we have to move.  Like now.  So I will be spending the next week packing, and looking for somewhere to live.

Oh and I still don't have a job.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

checking in

I just read my last post.  That was not a good evening for me.  I'm sorry for all that negativity.  I am actually not that down normally, I am more down than normal, but that post made me seem much more depressed than I actually am.  So I'm sorry.

I've been doing Insanity now for 2 weeks.  I haven't actually lost much weight, actually only about half a pound, but that may be because of my birthday.  I drank more wine than I have been on my birthday, and then on Tuesday Chris made me a really great dinner.  It was crab, shrimp, and lobster, I didn't eat the potato, but I ate everything else.  I don't know if shell fish has a lot of salt or what, but I was definitely up in weight on Wednesday (152) but by yesterday I was down to 148.8, which is about half a pound down from last Friday.  The best part is that I'm down an inch in both my waist and my hips.

I finally looked at Bloglovin' and I am 85 posts behind.  It's not as bad as the 150 I had gotten to during the summer, but a far cry from being caught up like I was a few weeks ago.

I went to my parents' house last weekend.  We ended up going to a corn maze. 
It is a pretty big maze and they had it set up as a scavenger hunt type of thing as well.  You find certain spots and then answer a question about the Seahawks.  We didn't find all the spots, but I was the one with the most correct answers.  =)  We had fun but once we were done, we were DONE.  Problem is, it's a maze, so you have to find your way out.  =)  We managed, thankfully. 

Here's some pictures of the day . . .








And that is about all I have in my head today. 

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Nada

A week ago, two weeks ago . . . how long has it been since I last posted???  I don't even know.  I posted this on the same day that I last posted, and then thought, no, I will wait till tomorrow and write a real post, so I reverted it back to a draft.

I know I just posted, but I had to share this accomplishment.  =)
The first time I have been caught up since before I stopped working.  =) 

And I haven't been on blogger or bloglovin since.  I don't know how far behind I am.  I quit looking.

I did not quit exercising or eating healthy though.  In fact, two weeks ago I quit running.  I decided that my feet are not healing properly while I run.  They hurt every time I go out for a run, for at least the first half mile, and then they hurt for the entire evening afterwards and sometimes the next day.  So I quit.  It was a hard decision to make.  I dusted off the old Insanity workouts and I've been doing those.

I had to modify them though.  I can't do all the jumping that is on the videos.  In fact, there is jogging, high knees, butt kicks, scissor kicks, and many more things . . . just in the warm up, that I can't do.  So I change it up.  I do something different, today I danced a lot with Maddox when I was supposed to be doing those things.  And it is working.  My feet don't hurt as much.  They aren't as "tight" in the morning.  I hope that in a couple months they'll be okay and I can go back to running. 

As soon as I'm able to start running, I'm going to look for a marathon to do, and start training for it. That is my goal for 2015, a full marathon.

I turned 38 on Monday.  We did nothing.  Damian had a football game, and then the Seahawks played . . . so lots of football.  I like football, but that wasn't my idea of a good birthday.  Besides . . . I don't have a job, which means we have less money, so on Monday, Oct. 6th, we had $3 in our acct.  And since Chris is the king of procrastination he hadn't gotten me anything so no gifts. 

Birthdays have always been a big deal to me.  I feel that everyone should celebrate the day they were born.  Without that day, they (I) wouldn't be here.  So that, combined with already being depressed, has made me . . . down.

Oh and the fact that I had a very, very promising interview last Wednesday.  They called my references Thursday . . . and then no word since.  None.  I 100% expected to be working by today.  I was already trying to think of excuses why I couldn't start working on my birthday, but they still haven't called and today is the 9th, a full week and day after the interview. 

A friend of mine started a blog.  She was my college roommate, and my maid of honor when I got married. She has been very public on facebook about her blog.  Becoming Me  She has posted her blog on facebook everytime she has written something (2 posts), and she is amazing at writing.  I want to continue reading, I think she stops too soon.  But I can't publically share this blog.  I don't want people to read it.  I don't think it's great.  It's not inspirational.  It's nothing.  It's my thoughts and feelings in the moment.  And when I don't run . . . I have nothing to say.  Nothing.

Reading my friend's blog, I feel inadequate.  She has a way with words that I don't think I will ever have.  And she leaves you wanting more.  Just like a really good book. 

So here I am.  Depressed.  Bored.  Tired of being a housemom.  Lonely.  And I can't run.  Did I mention depressed?