Friday, September 23, 2016

Fragmented sentences

I have started running again.  Last week I ran 4 times.  They are slow, short runs, but they are still runs.  =)  I'm going about 3 miles and am running about 10 and a half min/mile or slower.  Sunday I ran 4 miles and it was a little faster because I did a flatter route.  I am still going to the gym as well.  Last week I skipped a swim because it was the day after I got my hair colored and my hair dresser thought it would be a good idea.  But I went and did 30 min of the elliptical machine.  I also skipped cycle class last week because of my hair appt but I went again this week. 

Tuesday I went did the elliptical machine and then went home and ran.  I was going to swim but I originally thought I was going during lunch and I had court (for work) and didn't want to do my hair completely again. But a meeting was moved and I didn't have time anyway.  Instead I went after court and then went straight home and ran. Wednesday I did the cycle class, and yesterday I did some weights. 

I haven't been sleeping very well and was so tired on Wednesday that I almost didn't do the cycle class, but my sister was going, so I forced myself to go.  Wednesday evening is kind of a blur because I was so tired, but I'm pretty sure I went home, ate, took a bath and went to bed.  Yesterday I woke up and felt awful.  Completely stuffed up with a sore throat.  But in order to get reimbursed for the gym I have to go 12 times in a month, that is 3 times a week, but I skipped a day last week so I had to go 4 times this week (well, I could have done 4 times next week, but wanted to get it over with).  So even though I felt awful I still went to the gym, but I did 20 min of weights. 

I think adding weight lifting to my routine would be a good thing.  I've thought that for a long time, but haven't had a gym membership.  Now that I have one, I've been pretty intimidated by it.  I don't know what I'm doing and can't afford a trainer.  So I've avoided it.  Yesterday I googled "weight machine workouts" and found a pretty decent website, so I did day one of that.  It's a 12 week plan, but I'm not really following it, just the weightlifting stuff.  We'll see how I do.  It was pretty weird doing the weights, and I felt like everyone there was watching me, but they probably weren't.  The next day on that schedule was supposed to be today, but I didn't go.  And it includes bench presses, and that really, really intimidates me.  I don't know if I'll be able to get over that one to do it.  I wish I had a work out partner.  My sister would never do it with me.  =/

My ankle is doing surprisingly well.  I haven't noticed any problems with my increase in running.  I ran both Saturday and Sunday this weekend, and it's holding up pretty well.  I wore heels 2 days in a row with no problems.  =)  Today was going to be a rest day, but I took one yesterday (if you don't count the weights) and would like to run, so I may go for a run today.

On Sunday and Tuesday Maddox ran around the block with me after I got back from my runs.  I think when he asks if he can go running with me,though, he's really just wanting to get in the jogging stroller and have me push him to the park.  But he's really getting too big for the stroller.  Or I'm too weak and don't want to push him up the gradual hill to the park.  ; )

A week and half ago I got Damian to run 3 miles with me.  We've been talking about him doing more exercise since he's not in sports right now, but wants to do track in the spring.  However, that day was the only day I got him to run.  It was fun, but I think he's faster than me, even in his out of shape-ness. 
I went to the gym 4 times this week, if I run tonight and tomorrow, that's only yesterday as a day off from cardio . . . I don't know, I should probably rest.  It does feel nice to be a little sore and to be active again.  I have missed it.

I've also noticed that I'm feeling less self-conscious about my body.  I haven't lost much weight (2lbs in 2 weeks) but being active makes me feel better about myself.  Of course it also helps to have someone tell me regularly he likes my body, but that's besides the point.  ; )

Anyway, it's late on Friday so I should finish this up.  Especially since I started it on Tuesday, which is probably why there's so many fragmented sentences and random thoughts.  =)

I didn't even talk about Damian's 18th birthday or my trip to Leavenworth with my sister.  I've been too over-consumed with myself.  =/

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Ramblings of an obsessed person

February 2013, that was the last time I weighed as much as I do now.  Honestly, I'm not sure how I gained so much weight in 4 months.  So what do I need to do?  I'm not sure.  Cut out the crap in my diet and start running again.  When I think about it, I lost weight very slowly.  The first time I lost these 13 lbs it took me a year.  And to get to my lowest recorded weight of 141 (I actually got down to 139, but never on an official weigh day) it took me another year and 8 months.  That's 2 and a half years to lose the weight I gained in 4 months. 

I am swimming 2 days a week.  I am doing a cycle class every Wednesday.  And the last 2 weeks I've been running one day on the weekend, other than this week when I ran on Monday as well. 

As I told you last week, I joined LA Fitness.  Yesterday I had a meeting, well, I don't know what they called it.  I thought it was a free session with a trainer that you get with your membership, but then the guy said he wasn't actually a trainer.  He took my heart rate, and my body fat percentage, which is high.  Then put me through a few fitness "tests" to see how fit I was.  3 min of steps, 40 squats (super easy, he was looking at my form because he said at 40 you start to deteriorate squats, but he said I was still strong) as many pushups as I could (I got 20, which impressed me, I think that was above average), wall sits (only 38 seconds or so, which was average), a plank (1 min 12 sec, again impressive, and according to him was good). My resting heart rate was high (72).  I took my resting heart rate just now and it was 56, he said average was 60 and a fit person is 40.  My active heart rate was 124 after 3 min of steps, which he said was poor, but after the fitness "test" I did a cycle class and took my active heart rate again and it was 112. 

After the "test" he took me over to the weights and had me do some arm weights.  We didn't do very much because I wanted to get to the cycle class.  And it actually left me with more questions than anything else.  Of course the whole point of it is to get you to sign up with a trainer, which I'm actually thinking about.  It's rather expensive for me, but I wonder if I do 2 a month for a few months to kind of figure out what to do weight training wise, if that would help kick start my body into losing some weight.

I've been thinking that a gym membership is good.  I can cross train and I can do some weights, both of which I've never really done.  Once I start running regularly again, I may stop swimming and go to the gym during lunch to do weights instead, plus the Wednesday cycle class, which I really enjoy.  As long as I go to the gym 12 times in a month, I get part of my monthly membership fee reimbursed by my healthcare plan.  But to really learn the weights, or even the machines, I'm wondering if I should have a trainer.  I've always wanted one, but they are expensive. 

My ankle is feeling okay.  I think the fear of the pain, or of reinjuring it is worse than it actually is.  I'm going out of town this weekend with my sister.  We're going to Leavenworth for the Wine Walk, which we've been doing for the last 2 (this will be 3) years.  It's a blast, but I won't be able to run.  I will be doing a lot of walking . . . so I will definitely wear my brace. 

Next week I am thinking I may start running regularly again. I'd like to see how my ankle does, but I really don't want to make it linger any longer than it already is. 

Well, I've rambled enough today.  Maddox started Kindergarten this week.  He's such a cute kid.  =)  Damian started school last week. Funny that he wore the same shirt on his first day of school and on Maddox's first day of school.  I just noticed that in the pictures.  =)


Friday, August 26, 2016

People say . . .

People say don't compare yourself to others, compare yourself to yourself. . .  so I have obsessed over comparing myself to myself latetly, and it's not good.  I keep thinking "a year ago . . . "  A year ago, I was running my longest distances ever, and was feeling great about my body and myself.  I got down to a smaller size than I've ever been in my life (well, since I quit growing), and the lowest weight in my adult life.  I wasn't especially fast, but faster than I am now. 

And I keep comparing myself to myself. It doesn't help that I've gained quite a bit of weight.  Three months is a long time to not exercise, and I haven't really changed my eating habits, have actually been a bit worse.  I keep telling myself to quit snacking, quit having that extra afternoon coffee (that one is the hardest), and I keep ignoring myself. 

(Oh and don't get me started on how much I miss my long hair.)

I also keep telling myself that it's only temporary.  My ankle will heal, I will be able to run again. I will train for another marathon, I will get back down to a smaller size and weight.  But going on 15 weeks of this injury, I feel this is not a "temporary" thing. 

Just in the last couple weeks, as I've mentioned, I've changed some things.  Vacation, while I didn't eat fantastically, was where I decided I was going to start exercising again.  And I did.  I swam almost everyday.  I came back and have been going to a gym, this week I've been twice and am going today after work.  I've been tracking all my food, and still am going over my allotted calories.  It's not running, and it's not as frequent, but it's something.  2 weeks, well, technically 3 counting vacation, of exercising, and I haven't lost a lb.  In fact, last week I was up.  It really goes to show that I need to quit eating.

More than once in my life I have wished I could be anorexic. Just enough to lose weight, then I'd go back to eating.  Isn't that a strange wish?  It sounds even stranger once I've written it.  But don't worry.  I can't.  Sadly I've actually tried, and I failed at it.  (It's for the best.)  I don't like being hungry (who does?) and I'm not unhappy with myself enough to force myself to be hungry. 

So, the gym. . . I really like the gym I'm going to.  I said before, but my sister got me a 2 week pass to her gym.  And I've been going as often as I can.  It's in Everett and I have been going after work. This week I did 2 cycle classes.  I really enjoyed the second, and not so much the first.  My ankle was feeling really good all week, I even wore heels on Tuesday.  Yesterday I rode the bus, so couldn't go to the gym, so I thought I might try running.  When I got home I mentioned it to Chris, and he got upset, saying that I've been gone all week in the evenings.  So I didn't go run.  (It's probably a good thing because my ankle is bothering me some today.)  But it makes me think about the resistance I would get if I mentioned that I want to join the gym for real.  At least for a little while.  They say you have to put yourself first, but how do you do that when you have a family?  What is the line?  Where is it acceptable to put yourself, and your health, first but still be home with your family? 

I feel that if the gym was in Mt. Vernon it would feel different to Chris.  Then I would go home, change and go to the gym.  But since it's not, I have to go right after work and don't go home first, it feels like I'm gone longer, when in reality I'm not.  I tried to say that to Chris yesterday, that it's the same as me going for a run, I just don't come home first or shower at home.  But I don't know if he really gets it. 

Next week will be a little trickier with the gym.  Damian starts school and can't watch Maddox.  (Maddox doesn't start until the 6th.)  Since we only have one car, going to the gym after work makes it hard to pick up Maddox at a reasonable hour.  I've been thinking about going to the gym during lunch to swim.  And then doing the cycle class on Wednesday only.  (Honestly, I liked the cycle class so much, I would go everyday, but they don't offer it every day, and it doesn't start till 5:30, Chris would really be unhappy about that.) 

Going to the gym at lunch time would also require the purchase of a hair dryer, which I haven't owned in a long time, and even when I did own one, I didn't use.  That would be the solution to joining a gym longterm.  Just going at lunch. 

So the best solution to joining a gym would be to just join one in Mt. Vernon.  But, there are only 2 with pools, the YMCA (which is a gross pool) and Riverside Health Club (the most expensive gym I've seen).   Both are more expensive than LA Fitness in Everett.  Riverside Health Club requires a year commitment, the Y doesn't, but you pay $10 a month more than if you had the year commitment.  LA Fitness doesn't require a year commitment, and it's still cheaper than the Y's price is with the year commitment. 

Sorry to ramble about this, it's been in my head for a week and I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do.  Plus, I'm frustrated today with my ankle.

Monday, August 22, 2016

Another week gone

Well, I'm back to work.  I've been back for a week now.  It was tough to come back, the weather got really nice the last half of the week and it made it a lot more difficult to leave.  The first half of the week I was swimming 2x a day for 30 min and then after the weather got nice, it got harder for me to go swim for exercise.  I don't know why it got harder.  I skipped Friday, and then only did one 30 min swim Thursday and one on Saturday. 
I asked Damian to take a couple
pictures, and this was the best one.
The last full day we were there (Sunday) we had to go to Chris's brother's wedding.  It was a very nice location, a ranch only 45 min from where we were staying, and a nice day (but a little too hot).  We were asked to be there an hour early, I thought for pictures, but then we just stood around and melted.  Then the wedding was 45 min late, and we continued to melt.  The reception was beer (cheap beer) and water, which was very sad for me as I don't drink beer.  We waited an hour for them to join the reception, and then after the dances were over (daughter/father, bride/groom, and groom/stepkids) they disappeared again and were gone for the rest of the reception. 

I took Maddox for a walk, and ended up with another little girl, who was 2.  She was really cute, but after 2 or 3 hours she

 started getting tired and didn't want to listen to me anymore.  I handed her back to her mom and dad.  It was a long day, and I got pretty bored.  I felt like it was a waste of my last day of vacation.  I got cheated out of one more day of floating in the lake.  Oh well.  I couldn't say I wasn't going to go.  =/

I got back last week with the intention of joining the YMCA.  I was going to swim and do a couple cycle classes.  Well, I was looking at they pool schedule and noticed that it said the pool will be closed from 8/20-8/29 for maintenance.  There goes those plans.  =/  So I started looking at other options.

My sister goes to LA Fitness, so I asked her about it, and she said she could get me a 2 week pass to go "try it out."  So I decided to do that.  There's one in Everett where I work, and I can go right after work.  They have cycle classes Monday and Wednesdays at 5:30, which is a little late, but doable. 

I decided to go for a run last Tuesday to test my ankle, which did nicely and then I went to the YMCA on Wednesday as a drop in to swim ($10 for a drop in, seems steep).  Then I started my 2 weeks at LA Fitness on Friday and swam for 30 min.  I thought swimming back and forth at the lake was hard, it's much harder in a pool.  I think that's because the laps are longer.  I have to stop and rest every half lap.  It's hard! 

I ran again yesterday, and again, my ankle seems to be doing okay.  It still is sore, tomorrow it'll be the most sore, but it's so much better than it was. 

If you know me, which no one that reads this really does, you know that I love shoes, specifically heels.  So not only does my ankle affect my running, but also my shoe choices.  I really, really miss my shoes.

Well, I probably could type more, since it's been 11 days since my last post, but I'll leave it at this for now.  Below are more pictures of my vacation.  ; )
I read a lot.  I didn't bring enough books, I ran
out at the end of the week.

Damian lost his shoe in the lake pulling the
boat up to the dock, and instead of floating
in, like we had been all week, it started floating
out, so he had to grab a raft and row himself to
get his shoe.  It was hilarious.
Waiting for the wedding, that is Damian's cousin, that we've
only met one other time.

The boys drinking . . . and waiting.

The kids waiting.

Maddox and the little girl I watched watching
the horses.

Thursday, August 11, 2016


Another 3 weeks since I posted last, this is getting to be a bad habit.

Currently I am sitting at my family's lake house in eastern WA watching the ducks play in the lake.  It hasn't been as nice weather-wise as it was a yer ago, which has been very sad.  We came here to enjoy the hot weather and float in the lake, and sadly it's been cloudy and raining and not very warm.

 Today is the first morning I've woken up and seen sun on the lake.
It has made for some pretty spectacular sunsets though.

Today my parents are coming up and bringing their boat.  I'm conflicted about this, because it's supposed to be the nicest day so far (each day has progressively gotten better, but today is supposed to be sunny, instead of "partly cloudy") and I'd really like a day to float on the lake.  Plus, while I love my parents, they are not drinkers, and I always feel like I need to either not drink around them, or hide it.  I've mostly grown out of that feeling, but there is always that thought in my head, "is my mom judging me for my 3rd glass of wine?"  ; )

Running-wise, I'm not.  I keep comparing myself to myself a year ago.  A year ago I was training for a marathon and on this trip I did a 10 mile run in unfamiliar territory, got almost attacked by a dog (probably my scariest run ever) and was at my most physically fit since high school, maybe even ever. (If you check out that link, look at my face, it's so skinny compared to now, that was a hard post to look at with my stupid comparative issues I'm going through now. Oh, and I miss my long hair.) I was also the smallest I've ever been (even in high school), wearing a size 6 (something I've never worn before).  This year, I'm back up to at least 7 lbs (which I know isn't a lot, but it feels like a lot) I'm pushing a size 10, and just generally feeling bad about myself.  It's hard, I know that I'm not fat, I know that it's temporary, but it's the thoughts in my head and the frustrations of not being able to run regularly.

Here are some comparison photos, maybe not a good thing to post given my current thoughts about my weight.

I really am trying to tell myself it's temporary, let my ankle heal properly and I'll be able to run again, and hopefully fit the size 6 pair of pants I had to put in my closet.

While I'm here I'm swimming. I'm forcing myself to go do "laps" 2 times a day for 30 min each.  I am enjoying the exercise, but it's hard.  I used to love swimming.  We had a pool in our backyard growing up and I was swimming almost daily, but now, I just miss running.  Plus, swimming is hard work.  I can't breathe properly, and I'm seriously scared of open water.  I hate seaweed, and not knowing what's under me.  It really, really freaks me out.  So much so that when I'm tubing on my parents' boat I have to practice breathing exercises when I fall off the tube so I don't have a panic attack.

I'm using goggles while I swim, so that has helped a lot with my irrational fears, but I still turn around once I hit the seaweed so it doesn't touch me.  (you can laugh, it's okay)

I've never used goggles before.  Damian has always asked me for them and I always thought they were silly and useless.  They are amazing.  I don't know if I'll ever swim without them again.  

I've decided I'm going to join the Y when I get home, at least for one month.  My ankle seems to be doing okay with the swimming, and I can do spin classes and swim.  This means I'm gonna have to buy some goggles (the ones I'm wearing here aren't mine) and a one piece suit.  In good news, my   upper body and back will be super sexy.  =)

I've made a rule for myself, I can't drink any alcohol until I've swam.  It is working.  It was super, super hard to get in the water on Tuesday, that was the worst weather wise, it was cold and rainy, and I just didn't want to do it. But I'm getting my swims in early, once in the morning, and once in the early afternoon, or late morning.

So, what happened to my race a month until my 40th birthday goal?  Well, I planned to do a race on July 30th.  I didn't preregister, because in true Cathy fashion, I waited for the last min and the price went up anyway, so I decided just to do day of race registration.  I noticed that all of the July races were on the 4th of July, but I wanted to wait as long as possible to let my ankle heal.  The only one I could find after the 4th was one in Ferndale (about 45 miles north of me).  It was the Old Settlers 5k.  Well, I got there and they had canceled it, the night before, and not posted it anywhere (I looked at the website before leaving home for the address).  

I had told Chris' old roommate and friend, who lives in Ferndale, that I was going to run that race and he said he might join me.  I text him when I found out it was canceled and he asked if I wanted to run with him anyway.  I said sure, so we met up and went for a run.  The route we took was 4 miles, and I seriously about died.  I had told him that I hadn't run in a while and needed to go slow.  He said he was fine with that because he had run the Ragnar a few weeks before and was still recovering, plus, he had his son with him and was going to push him.  

I've run with him once before, a year ago, and he says one speed, but is ultimately faster.  We started out at a good pace, 10 min/mile, and then at mile 2.5 he was going 9:20 min/mile.  I was dying and told him I needed to slow down but he could go ahead.  I think I finished at 11 min/mile, or so. 

So my question is, can I count that run as my July race?  It wasn't my fault the race was canceled and I still ran.  Plus, I stopped mapmyrun at 3.16 miles to pretend that it was a 5k. . .  I feel like I can count it.  So I think I'll add it to my ticker (that doesn't seem like the right word) on the side.   

So I'm going to leave you with a couple pictures from our trip.  =)  Maddox is adorable, by the way.
He was ready to go!

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

It's been awhile

Wow!  My last post was almost 3 weeks ago.  I've said this before, but when I don't run I feel like my brain doesn't work as much.  I don't have as much to say because I'm not running.

And I'm still not running.  We're at week 10, exactly today.  I have a friend on Facebook that is a nurse, he lives in Virginia, but he's been very interested in my running since I started and he asks me regularly how things are going.  About a week ago I chatted with him, and sent a picture of my ankle from 2 days after I sprained it.  He told me it looks and sounds like a Grade 2 sprain and that can take 14 weeks to heal. =/  He told me to take some supplements that may help and gave me some advice.  Really he gave me more information and advice than the dr did at week 5. 

I got a brace and have been wearing it.  Usually when it bothers me or when I'm walking a lot. 

I started thinking about joining a gym again.  When I was struggling with plantar faciitis, I joined the YMCA, which, in Mt. Vernon, is really kind of a crappy facility, but was cheap and they did monthly memberships with no commitments.  But the exercises I would do still involve my ankle, swimming and cycle.  So I haven't done that yet.  Plus, my sister told me I should wait 2 weeks, quit running sporadically (I was averaging a run a week) and just let it heal and see what happens.  So I'm in my 3rd week of that.

This weekend I am running a race, I have to maintain my goal of a race a month, but it will be a slow race since I haven't run at all since July 4th. 

Another change I have done is I've started being completely honest with my food.  And I've gone over my calories everyday. 

I'm still undecided about a gym.  My work has a thing through insurance that if I joined a gym I would get reimbursed some for going, as long as I go 12 times a month.  That would be nice.  I think the Y is $55? so if I was reimbursed for $20 of that, I'd only be paying $35.  I don't know.  I don't know if I should be doing anything on my ankle at all. . . But I'm dying to exercise.  I miss it.  I especially miss not feeling bloated all the time. 

I keep telling myself this is temporary and if I just let it heal I'll be able to run, but it's very, very frustrating. 

At this point, running a marathon , at least for the October marathon, is out.  =(  I have 13 Saturdays before the marathon, and I don't think that's enough time.  I'm not running at all, and haven't done any long runs for 10 weeks, so my endurance is gone, and more importantly, my ankle isn't healed yet.  Maybe I'll look into marathons in December.  I know there's a local one on December 31st, that might be a fun way to celebrate the end of 2016. 

Thursday, July 7, 2016

tracking issues

I have been "tracking" my food for 270 days, according to The thing with this is that I log in to track my breakfast, that's usually the easiest, eggs, creamer, milk, and coffee, and don't always do my lunch and dinner. But it's just to keep my streak going.  I'd like to get to one year of tracking.  But I'm not really tracking what I eat.  I log in, to log in, I put in my breakfast, sometimes in the late evening, just so that I don't lose my streak.  I very rarely track any snacks that I eat, or afternoon coffee I may drink.  IF I put in dinner, I usually put in the glass, or two, of wine that I drank, but then if I happen to have more before bed (weekends usually) I rarely track that. 

Why do I bring this up?  Because since I haven't been running, I've gained some weight.  I currently sit at or just below 150.  The end of the summer I was sitting really, really close to 140, which is really where I'd like to be.  I felt fabulous there.  I do not feel fabulous at 150.  I can look at 270 days of tracking and think, why am I not at a fabulous weight?  I'm not eating too much.  But the truth is, I probably am. 
Sunday's diary, I logged breakfast
but nothing else.
For example, for breakfast on Tuesday I ate 2 hard boiled eggs (tracked), 2 cups of coffee with creamer and milk (that I measure everyday to equal 2 servings of creamer per cup of coffee, and about half a cup total of milk, which is tracked).  For lunch I ate 1 left over pork chop (tracked), 1 hard boiled egg (tracked), and one small banana (tracked).  That sounds like a pretty good breakfast and lunch, right?  On paper it looks good.  What I didn't track was the biscotti my coworker gave me when I got to work or the banana bread my supervisor made and left in the breakroom.  If I put those two things in, my calories go from 549 left for the day, to 253.  253 calories is not enough for dinner, even if I don't drink any wine. 

I am not running, or moving, enough to keep my weight down where I'd like it if I continue to eat the way I have been.  I track meals, but not much else.  And the in-between food is the food that is not that good for me. 

Where am I going with this?  Well, when I started the post, I was thinking I'd challenge myself to tracking Every. Single. Food. that enters my mouth. But honestly, I don't know that I'm that committed. I also don't know if I'm that committed to quit eating so much.  I think what I need to do is eat better, well, and less, but mostly better.  Fewer snacks at work (that's the killer), less coffee breaks in the afternoon (that's gonna be impossible), I've already cut back on wine in the evening so that's good.

I decided to go put in every single thing I ate on Tuesday and Wednesday.  I was thinking about this post on Tuesday, so I decided to eat the way I normally do, then yesterday I was going to try to be good, but still not obsess about hitting the calories.  Want to know the result? It's not pretty . . .
I ended up eating more yesterday, on my "good" day, than Tuesday . . .

Seriously, I just want to run.