Friday, August 26, 2016

People say . . .

People say don't compare yourself to others, compare yourself to yourself. . .  so I have obsessed over comparing myself to myself latetly, and it's not good.  I keep thinking "a year ago . . . "  A year ago, I was running my longest distances ever, and was feeling great about my body and myself.  I got down to a smaller size than I've ever been in my life (well, since I quit growing), and the lowest weight in my adult life.  I wasn't especially fast, but faster than I am now. 

And I keep comparing myself to myself. It doesn't help that I've gained quite a bit of weight.  Three months is a long time to not exercise, and I haven't really changed my eating habits, have actually been a bit worse.  I keep telling myself to quit snacking, quit having that extra afternoon coffee (that one is the hardest), and I keep ignoring myself. 

(Oh and don't get me started on how much I miss my long hair.)

I also keep telling myself that it's only temporary.  My ankle will heal, I will be able to run again. I will train for another marathon, I will get back down to a smaller size and weight.  But going on 15 weeks of this injury, I feel this is not a "temporary" thing. 

Just in the last couple weeks, as I've mentioned, I've changed some things.  Vacation, while I didn't eat fantastically, was where I decided I was going to start exercising again.  And I did.  I swam almost everyday.  I came back and have been going to a gym, this week I've been twice and am going today after work.  I've been tracking all my food, and still am going over my allotted calories.  It's not running, and it's not as frequent, but it's something.  2 weeks, well, technically 3 counting vacation, of exercising, and I haven't lost a lb.  In fact, last week I was up.  It really goes to show that I need to quit eating.

More than once in my life I have wished I could be anorexic. Just enough to lose weight, then I'd go back to eating.  Isn't that a strange wish?  It sounds even stranger once I've written it.  But don't worry.  I can't.  Sadly I've actually tried, and I failed at it.  (It's for the best.)  I don't like being hungry (who does?) and I'm not unhappy with myself enough to force myself to be hungry. 

So, the gym. . . I really like the gym I'm going to.  I said before, but my sister got me a 2 week pass to her gym.  And I've been going as often as I can.  It's in Everett and I have been going after work. This week I did 2 cycle classes.  I really enjoyed the second, and not so much the first.  My ankle was feeling really good all week, I even wore heels on Tuesday.  Yesterday I rode the bus, so couldn't go to the gym, so I thought I might try running.  When I got home I mentioned it to Chris, and he got upset, saying that I've been gone all week in the evenings.  So I didn't go run.  (It's probably a good thing because my ankle is bothering me some today.)  But it makes me think about the resistance I would get if I mentioned that I want to join the gym for real.  At least for a little while.  They say you have to put yourself first, but how do you do that when you have a family?  What is the line?  Where is it acceptable to put yourself, and your health, first but still be home with your family? 

I feel that if the gym was in Mt. Vernon it would feel different to Chris.  Then I would go home, change and go to the gym.  But since it's not, I have to go right after work and don't go home first, it feels like I'm gone longer, when in reality I'm not.  I tried to say that to Chris yesterday, that it's the same as me going for a run, I just don't come home first or shower at home.  But I don't know if he really gets it. 

Next week will be a little trickier with the gym.  Damian starts school and can't watch Maddox.  (Maddox doesn't start until the 6th.)  Since we only have one car, going to the gym after work makes it hard to pick up Maddox at a reasonable hour.  I've been thinking about going to the gym during lunch to swim.  And then doing the cycle class on Wednesday only.  (Honestly, I liked the cycle class so much, I would go everyday, but they don't offer it every day, and it doesn't start till 5:30, Chris would really be unhappy about that.) 

Going to the gym at lunch time would also require the purchase of a hair dryer, which I haven't owned in a long time, and even when I did own one, I didn't use.  That would be the solution to joining a gym longterm.  Just going at lunch. 

So the best solution to joining a gym would be to just join one in Mt. Vernon.  But, there are only 2 with pools, the YMCA (which is a gross pool) and Riverside Health Club (the most expensive gym I've seen).   Both are more expensive than LA Fitness in Everett.  Riverside Health Club requires a year commitment, the Y doesn't, but you pay $10 a month more than if you had the year commitment.  LA Fitness doesn't require a year commitment, and it's still cheaper than the Y's price is with the year commitment. 

Sorry to ramble about this, it's been in my head for a week and I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do.  Plus, I'm frustrated today with my ankle.

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