Saturday, September 20, 2014

Fat days vs. skinny days (we all have them, no matter what weight we are)

Yesterday was a bit of a pity party for me.  It kinda clicked in my head yesterday evening when a friend came over.  We were just chatting and he mentioned that I seemed way more "down" I usually am.  I thought about it a little, and I agree, I am bordering on the depressed side of things right now.  It's interesting to me that once I name that I am a little depressed, I get better.  (Not fantastic, but it doesn't seem to be as bad.)  It's been this way since I first noticed I was depressed when I was pregnant with Damian. 

Not working, and not being able to run has really affected me.  I get so frustrated with being a stay at home mom and I'd love to just go out for a nice long run, but I can't.  It probably wouldn't be so bad, but Chris is currently working mandatory overtime, which is good because I'm not working and the extra money is very welcome, but 6 days a week of being home alone with a toddler until 6, sometimes 7pm, is really getting to me.  And then he only has one day off, and he definitely doesn't feel like getting up early so I can sleep in, or take Maddox to the park or something so I get some away time.  I get it, but I also get so frustrated.  I have been taking 30 or 45 min on his day off to go get coffee or something just to get away. 

My weekend with my sister was awesome, but it wasn't enough.  I used to think I'd like to be a permanent stay at home mom, and maybe it would be better if Maddox was at school (I did do it 5 years ago for 8 months when I was laid off from my last job, but Damian was at school and Maddox wasn't even conceived) but I am not cut out for toddler-stay-at-home-mom-work. 

So, I am working on my eating.  It's only day 3 (and the first day, Thursday, barely counts) but I'm feeling better.  Not so bloated and not so . . . fat.  Yesterday I did good.  Like really good.  I kept under my calories, I ate good, healthy food.  Thursday I did not do so well, I made cake balls from the leftover cake from Damian's Rubik's cube cake, and ate some of it, not to mention the piece of cake that we had after dinner (finally! Damian's birthday was Tuesday) with ice cream.  And then there was the bottle (yes, entire bottle) of wine I had.  I didn't mean to, but I always tend to drink more on Chris's one day off (which is Thursday) because he's home and he's drinking more, and I just like the taste of wine. 

So I have committed myself to only drinking a glass (maybe 2) of wine on days I run, and none on days I'm not running.  Running days gives me a little leeway on calories, and I figure if I can't have some wine after a run (usually several hours after) why run?  ; )  That will be only 4 days a week, since that is all I am running nowadays.  Which is good for me today, but will not be good tomorrow.  ; )

This morning I was down to 149.4, which is nice.  Maybe the 152.6 was actually sodium and water weight, and just plain bloating from the bottle of wine.  I just need to get out of this funk.  I'm not blogging, I'm not eating well, I'm not working.  And I keep telling myself that once I get a job I'll go back to all my good habits, but why am I waiting for a job?  Yes, I find it easier to follow the plan when I'm working, but now is the time that I need to work on eating well . . . when it's hard. 

One thing I noticed on Tuesday when I was looking at all the old pictures of Damian, I definitely looked bigger.  

November 2007 
August 2014
I find it interesting that 5 years ago I felt fat, I always had a blanket or pillow over my stomach when I was sitting on the couch.  I was 30 lbs heavier than I am now.  There were days when I felt skinny and there were days when I felt fatter.  And I notice that I still have those days.  The last week has been a "fat" week, I'm sitting on the couch most evenings with a blanket thrown over my middle.  Even though I'm sitting at (almost) 30 lbs lighter than I was, I still feel the need to cover my middle.  I also notice that when I was heavier, I HATED Chris rubbing my stomach.  And then I lost weight, and didn't care if he rubbed it.  This week, I don't want him touching my stomach. 

There are days when I feel skinny (more now than 3-5 years ago) and there are days now when I feel fat (less now).  Is there ever a time when we are happy with the weight we are?  Yes, being 140 (or lower) would be awesome, but what is wrong with 145? (Not that I am that now, but a few months ago I was and thought I'd rather be 140.) If I ever get down to 140, will that be low enough, or will I be on to wanting to be 135? 

Anyway, I am not happy being over 150, I liked the feeling at 145, a lot.  I want that.  And maybe, just maybe, when I get back there, I'll be happy and remember how I feel right now.  That 145 is okay.  That I don't need to continually strive to be "just 5 lbs" lighter. 

Today is a skinny day.  Today, after just 1 day of eating really, really well, I feel a million times better.  I need to remember that.  I need to remember that this evening when I'm thinking about those damn cake balls in the fridge and that wine on the counter.  Go to bed a little earlier, avoid the temptations that staying up late always brings.

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