Life updates

 After I wrote my last post "Why do you run?" I noticed that I wrote a post titled the same exact thing just over a year earlier.  It's interesting how I can ask the same question and get different answers a year later.  

There hasn't been much going on with me lately.  My job has been promising me a pay raise, but it is waiting on a contract that was supposed to happen in December.  I will eventually become a supervisor to 2 or 3 (maybe even 4) people when the contract goes through.  Although the multiple people will mean that I have 2 new contracts.  But until then, I am still doing my job.

We are also looking at buying a house.  We have outgrown our current house with Damian still here and he has Asher (his son) every other week for a week.  That means 5 people are living in this tiny house with 3 bedrooms.  Housing prices are crazy expensive, but we need a bigger house.  We were really hoping to move soon, but the pre-approval process has taken a little bit of time and the housing market (while expensive) has no houses to buy.  I've heard that the federal tax rate is going to rise in March, and throught out the year, so the earlier the better.  

The other snag is that we signed a lease in August for a year, so we have to beg our landlord to let us out of the lease.  Personally I think she would, she has not raised our rent since we moved here in 2015 when prices were lower, and I know that the house across the street that is almost the same as this one (it might only have one bathroom where we have 1.75) is $500 more than our house.  

We've also had several problems with our rental house lately.  The faucet in the bathtub quit working right and was hard to turn off.  Without thinking about it I turned it on to rinse out Asher's potty chair and then it wouldn't turn off so we had to get an emergency plumber out to the house to fix it on a weekend.  Then the sprayer on the kitchen sink broke, and now our freezer isn't working.  We also had some electric issues last summer that were fixed late fall, so the landlord has had to spend quite a bit of money to do repairs (none of which were our fault).  I have been scared to ask her if we can get out of our lease early, but my sister thinks she would LOVE to get us out as I don't believe she thinks we are completely blameless.  We have lived here almost 8 years and have never had repairs on anything before, so I feel like it's just time for things to start needed maintenance, or whatever.  

Chris also needs a new car, but our realtor has advised that we wait on that, because that would affect his credit score (more debt) and we can't really afford to go down on our pre-approval because of what we need to fit into.  He said it's easier to get a loan for a car than a loan for a house.

Anyway, I am still running.  I run every day, as you know.  Today will be 1210 days in a row of at least one mile.  I've really struggled the last few months.  I've felt pretty down lately and just like I didn't want to do anything at all.  By the time Friday gets here I just feel like staying in bed all day.  It dawned on me last week that this is normal for me.  I have been getting seasonal depression for a lot of years now, it's usually very mild, but it always happens in January or February.  I think this year it has affected me more than normal, but sometimes just naming it helps (for me).  I think the years when I think about it coming and expect it are better than when I don't think about it.  This year it didn't even dawn on me.  Maybe because of my Dad's death and all that has been going on with my sisters and his house, but I wasn't thinking about it, and I've been worse than I have for a lot of years.  This week I'm feeling better, but it is only Tuesday, so maybe not.  Who knows?  

Tuesdays are my worst work days, to be honest.  I always feel drained, especially on this Tuesday.  My job is with a therapeutic court program in two different cities and Tuesday is court day.  They swap every other week, so this week is one city, and next week is the other.  I get more frustrated with the court team in today's city than in the other.  Well, I won't go into details, but I am not excited about Tuesdays very often.  

This is a full bottle of wine in my wine glass.  I feel like drinking it this way every other Tuesday (I don't, and this is from a few weeks ago on a weekend when I wanted to see if it fit).  Look at all that space at the top!  I could get another glass in there.  😉😄

Why do you run?

 Remember back in September when I started running according to heart rate then started doing speed work and started increasing my long run mileage?  Well, since my Dad died (and I've talked about this quit a bit) my runs have decreased back down to bare minimum.  And by bare minimum I mean a lot of one mile runs and 3 or 4 (sometimes less) days a week of 3 miles.  My "long" runs have gone back down to 4 miles, if I have a "long" run.  Every Sunday I sit here and wonder how long my run will be.

I do miss my long runs, but they take a much longer time (obviously) and I don't always want to take the time to do them.  Plus, it's always those minutes (or hours) before I go that I really, really don't want to do it.  So today, Sunday, I sit here having eaten my eggs, and drinking my water, waiting for the food to digest enough to run when I wonder how far am I going to go today?  Should I do some speed work?  Should I just do my customary 3 miles and be done?

Why am I running?  Why do I continue to run?  Why do I continue a runstreak when I have no desire to run 2-4 days a week?  

I don't have answers to those questions.  Maybe my answer is because if I stop I may never start again.  Maybe my answer is that it's such a habit that I do it because of that.  Maybe it's because I want that feeling back that I used to have when I ran and I hope that if I keep going, eventually I'll love it again.  I know part of it is to not gain weight, but I can't lose weight, but I hope I will.  

Exercise is good for you.  I run for exercise . . . now.  That hasn't always been the case.  I know that no other exercise really "sticks" for me.  I've tried several different things, but the only thing I've done consistently is run.  I've tried spinning (which I also love, but would need a spin bike to do it at home and they are expensive), weights, swimming, and yoga (although I have kept up with my "yoga" with my sister).  So I run.

The longer I put off running, the less I feel like running.  I guess that means that I should go running earlier.  I used to aim for 10am on the weekend, but I've gotten lazy.  Today I didn't eat until about 10am.  Anyway, time for me to log off and go run.  

2021 in a nutshell

Sorry this is so late, it's definitely taken me longer to complete than normal.  It is kinda long, so you can skip it if you want.  

 In 2012 I started running . . . blogging, and in January of 2013 I did my first recap post of the year before.  Every year after, I've done a recap post, they mainly started as running recaps.  Eventually I started recapping my year, and for a few years I did two posts, one about my life and one meant just for running.  

2021 was not any better than 2020, in fact, it was worse.  I did run 903 miles in 2021, which is more than 2020, but I ran zero races.  I have just not had any desire to run a race.  That drastically decreased when my Mom died, and then the pandemic added to it.  

I will say that 2021 did not start out bad, well, it did start out stressed, but I got over that stress and jumped into new stress.   

 

I started my internship in January and created a desk in a linen closet.  I have since gotten a new chair that fits the desk better than this one.  I was really stressed out about starting my internship, but I quickly got over that particular stress.  I actually really loved my internship and I really miss the kids I worked with there.

Even though we were unable to celebrate Christmas at my dad's house, my sisters and I went to undecorate his house.  We didn't do Christmas at his house because my other sister (not pictured here) got COVID (a mild case).  This picture was take right after we got done taking all the decorations down.  Our feet hurt really bad so we put them straight up on the wall.  My sisters are laughing because I kept making weird faces (not on purpose) right as we took a picture.  The first picture was the best one I got, and I still look funny.  😊

Asher loved the snow, and this is by far my favorite picture of him.  We went for several walks in the snow and he just wanted to pick it up.  

In October or November of 2020 I paid for an online trainer.  I was never completely thrilled with her, but I paid her and kept going.  I even told her I was unhappy with the whole thing, and she changed it up a little (she never did help me with my food intake) and told me she'd give me several weeks for free since I wasn't happy.  Well, even at the end she didn't live up to what she said, she took a different job and quit my sessions early.  She did give me access to recorded sessions so I asked my sister if she wanted to join me in doing them on zoom.  We got tired of it pretty quickly.  

I follow Beach Yoga Girl on instagram and she regularly talks about joining her program, I always ignored those posts, but then decided I wanted to check it out, so joined.  I asked my sister if she wanted to start doing "yoga" instead of the other workouts and she said yes. So now we do "yoga" 5 days a week.  Saying yoga is misleading because we actually have decided we don't like yoga, but the majority of her classes are a mixture of yoga and pilates.  Right now we are doing her kettlebell program and I love it.  It adds that strength training that I always think I should do.  I know, without a doubt, that if it wasn't for doing it every day with my sister, I would have quit a long time ago.  I love it, but wouldn't do it without the accountability my sister gives me (and me to her, she has said the same thing).  We are going to renew our account there and continue for this year. (We both paid for the same account, 50/50.)

I got my first vaccine shot in February, with a follow up in March and the booster in December.  I was eligible to get my vaccine in the second round of eligibility. (In WA they rolled it out slowly, first elderly and immunocompromised, then they lowered the age and added healthcare workers.  I am not a medical care worker, but in mental health, and they consider that healthcare, so I was able to get my shot early, although, it was very difficult to get an appt.

In March we were finally able to celebrate our family Christmas. . . outside social distanced (mostly).  It was at my sister's church and we were mostly outside, but did do a scavenger hunt inside.  We also took family pictures, which I'm really happy we did consider what just 7 months can do to a family.

I continued to run and included this picture because I love it so much.  It was taken at my Dad's house while we were there for our Christmas celebration. 

Maddox started in person school for the first time in March as well.  Only one year after being sent home for 2 weeks to stop the spread.  He only did half days, but it was sooooo much better than the online stuff. 

I crashed my Dad and sister's trip to Long Beach.  It was a really good weekend, especially since I got my own room and didn't have to squeeze in with them in their tiny space.  

I moved my garden to the front of the house.

And Maddox and I bought plants, along with his hat and sunglasses for our trip to Hawaii.  

In May we had to put Gizmo down.  He was 14 years old and was not doing well.  He wouldn't eat and one side of his face started sagging, plus he had a lump on his head that the dr who put him down thought maybe it was cancer.  :-(

In June Chris and I joined my sister and her husband in Hawaii.  It was such a nice trip.  A week after we got there Damian and Maddox joined us.  Running in Hawaii is the best running!  I love it sooo much!

And Damian took me skydiving (in Hawaii) for a surprise.

This particular picture is out of order, but I wanted to point out the moose pillow pet that Maddox is sort of laying on.  He got that as a baby from my Mom and has carried it around his entire life.  You hear about security blankets?  Well, he had a security pillow.  On our way home, he accidentally left it in a train at the airport on the way to the car.  We were never able to get it back, and he cried about it for a long time.  I ended up buying a new one for him, but he still brings up his old moose.  Was definitely a downer for the end of our Hawaii trip . . . and especially since we came back the day before his birthday.

Just pictures of my kiddos (well, Asher is my grandkiddo).  The bottom picture is at a Mariner's game.

And in August we went to the Lake.  We were supposed to only do a weekend, but Chris's work gave everyone 40 free PTO (paid time off) hours if they were vaccinated before June 1.  He had been vaccinated since March, so he got the free PTO.  I had to work, but we were still able to go for the week.

This is the last time I saw my dad in person.  He came to visit my sister and we went down for dinner in August. 

Maddox started real school in September, full days in person.  I have noticed that this year he has complained a lot less about school than he did pre-pandemic.  I think a year of online learning helped him realize school isn't so bad.

Nancy and I were not able to do the official Wine Walk in September because they didn't have it again.  But we did go to Leavenworth and did our own wine walk.  I think it was more expensive (we had to pay for all the tastings) but it was still lots of fun.  

And Maddox's giant carrot from our garden.

And just like that I became an orphan.

A week after my Dad died I finished my Master's degree.  I had a dinner party with some friends and my family.  It was very bittersweet, I don't think I had a bigger supporter than my Dad and he wasn't there.

Maddox didn't cut his hair, at first we couldn't because the salons were all closed and then he didn't want to.  He had such beautiful hair, but he got tired of it in his eyes, so he cut it.

Some of the mess we were left with at my Dad's.

Nancy and I were supposed to go to the Grand Canyon with my Dad.  They invited me on their trip as a gift to me for graduating from school.  We, obviously, didn't go, so Nancy took me to Long Beach for a weekend.  It was restful.

Outdoor Santa and we saw the Wild Lantern Lights at the Woodland Park Zoo, which was really cool.

And we got snow for Christmas.  I don't remember a Christmas day where it snowed.  It snowed all day, I think we ended up with about 6 inches (for just that day).

And just like that 2021 is done.  Here's hoping 2022 will be better.

Where does time go?

 December already??  Where did the time go?  I can't believe time has flown so fast.  Funnily, I started this the second day of December and didn't finish.  Now we're past the halfway mark already!!  Only 5 days to Christmas.

It's sad really, I decided in September that I was going to up my mileage, and I was excited to have a high mileage month in October.  I did a 10 mile run the first Sunday of October (my longest run in a long, long time) and the very next day my Dad died.  So instead it became the month of 1 mile runs.  Half the month was just 1 mile.  Then at the end of October I got sick for 2 or 3 weeks, and November was also tanked.  

I got my Covid booster shot about a week ago.  I was really nervous, and turns out, my symptoms were worse than after my second shot.  I got the Pfizer shot and was only just tired after my second shot.  After my booster, I felt horrible, I had a headache, and fluctuated between sweating profusely and freezing.  There were some points where I was both freezing in one area of my body and burning in another.  It was strange.  It lasted about 16 hours, and then I was fine.

I haven't had much to talk about lately, which would explain why I haven't posted.  

I did start a keto inspired diet, and did excellently the first week.  I lost 6 lbs the week after Thanksgiving.  Then I decided I was going to eat whatever I wanted for the weekend, and I gained 3 lbs.  The following week I lost 1 and a half pound, which was about 4 lbs from where I started.  And then over the weekend I gained a little (only about a pound) and then I lost about 1.5 lbs again, which put me at about a 4.5 lb weight lose overall.  The initial 6 lbs was amazing, but I didn't have any energy.  By my Thursday run I was really, really dragging.  Which I found interesting because when I did my first marathon everything I read was that protein was how to build long term energy, carbs give you a quick boost, but protein stays longer.  

I don't really have anything to write about. When I had school I blamed it on all the papers I wrote, but now I'm not writing anything, and I still don't know what to write.  This will likely be my only December post because of this.  So I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and New Year!

Pipe Dreams

 When I was younger I wanted to be a writer.  I used to write short stories for school.  I even went to the "Young Writers of America" conference.  I had written a "book" about a girl who to teleport herself wherever she wanted to go just by snapping her fingers.  My mom illustrated it (she was surprisingly good) and I was chosen to go to the conference.  I loved it.  I started a couple different stories, but somehow never finished them (I wish I knew where the finger snapping book went, I bet my Mom kept it, but who knows where).  My mom always thought I'd be a journalist one day, and I did do some writing for a short-lived school paper, but somewhere my dreams of writing disappeared.

Every once in a while I think about it, and wish I had kept doing it.  I had a title for a book "The Third Child" but could never figure out what it was about or anything else.  I got the name sorta from my Dad.  He was a third child, and I am a third child.  In fact, one of the reasons I tried for a third child was because of that.  

Recently I've been thinking about writing again.  Have you heard of the stages of change?  They may be old and a little outdated, but it involves the stages of pre-contemplation (not recognizing something needs to change), contemplation (knowing something needs to change, but not actually working on it), preparation, action, and maintenance.  I feel like I may be in contemplation stage, seriously thinking about doing something.  

Today I started reading a book.  Have you ever read a book that makes you want to do something?  This one makes me want to write.  And you wouldn't think this book would have that affect.  The book is "Becoming" by Michelle Obama (it is fantastic).  So I decided I would write a paragraph.  But then I couldn't decide what to write about.  It's much harder than it seems to come up with something spontaneously.  It is not a story, just a beginning, and not very really very good.  I guess I can see potential, but I'd have to change some things.  Don't write something based in a country you know nothing about.  😂

Anyway, if you want a good book, read "Becoming," I'm not done with it, but I really like it.

Life goes on for the living

This week I was supposed to be at the Grand Canyon with my dad and sister.  It was my dad's graduation gift to me.  As you know, we didn't go.  Well, I assume you know, since my Dad is no longer here.  Instead I went to my parent's house with my sister and her husband because we had a meeting with his attorney and accountant.  We stayed for the week so she could go through paperwork, and I am working remotely (which I do at home anyway).  

Honestly, even though it was a hard week, it was also sorta what I needed.  Yes, I still have to get up and do some work, but I do not have to worry about my family.  I have a bed to myself and just don't have to think about my son.  I think I do a lot of worrying about him and while I've been here I haven't had that burden.  I also do a lot of mediating between him and my husband, and again, while here, I haven't had that.  

This morning I woke up at 5am and couldn't get back to sleep because my room was too hot. My sister gets up at 5 because she starts work at 6 and she turns on the heater.  She already likes it much warmer than I do, and then for her to turn it up to 72 (yikes!) at 5am was too much for me today.  I ended up grabbing some icepacks from the freezer, I put two on my feet and one in the pillow I hug, and fell back asleep.  It was sooooo nice to sleep until after 7:30.  At home I would have had to get up and get Maddox going for school, but here, I don't have to do that.

My sister is coming back here in a few weeks and asked if I wanted to come, and while the answer for me is a resounding Yes! I don't think my family will appreciate it.  Even though I didn't go to the Grand Canyon, and even though I had to work, this week has been exactly what I needed that I didn't realize I needed.  I do have to go back today because tomorrow I have a work training.  I'm not excited about that at all, but I have to go.  

------

October was supposed to be my running month.  I had ramped up my long runs, doing 8, 9, and 10 miles.  I was doing some speed work, hill repeats every week, and I was excited to get to 100 miles this month.  Well, then my Dad died and I've been in eastern Washington 4 times this month so my mileage plummeted. So instead of getting close to 100 miles, I'm currently at 64 miles for the month with 4 runs left.  I doubt I'll even get to 80 miles.

November 1 is my 3 year run streak anniversary.  My first anniversary I ran 3.65 miles and spelled out E65 (Lol!! I meant to spell out 365). Last year, my 2 year anniversary, my ankle was really bothering me so I only ran 2 miles to celebrate.  This year I don't know what I'm going to do. It seems like a big deal to me, but it is only to me, no one else cares.  If I had continued with my long runs, I would plan to run 10.96 miles (1096 days for 3 years, including a leap year), but my 10 mile run was at the beginning of the month (the day before my dad died) and I've been mostly running 1 and 3 miles since then.  And I just don't know if I have the motivation and desire.  

Poor me

Someone told me, it was only two weeks ago, but I can't remember who, that many people get depressed when they finish graduate school.  I thought that was so weird.  I couldn't wait to finish.  And I sit here thinking how depressed I am.  It probably has nothing to do with finishing school.  It probably has nothing to do with losing my Dad.  It is probably nothing.

Did you know that I am in the mental health field?  I've been in the field for 20 years.  I just graduated with a master's degree in counseling.  

Oh, I didn't mention that? exactly one and a half weeks after my Dad died, I finished school.  This week was the first week where I didn't have homework, or anything at all due.  Since January 8th, it's the first week where I didn't have two jobs to worry about, and meetings that go until 7pm.  And I'm sad.  I really just want to go somewhere and do nothing for at least a week.  But I can't.  I have decisions to make, sisters to deal with, a family, and a job.  I have responsibilities.  I am a responsible adult.

I want to curl up and cry.

Daddy

                Thomas John Pence died peacefully in his sleep at home early in the morning of October 4, 2021, at the age of 74. 

               Tom was born on May 7, 1947, in Spokane, WA to George and Eleanor (Borth) Pence of Lind, WA.  He lived on the family farm with his 5 brothers and sisters until he graduated from Lind High School.  He then attended Wenatchee Valley Community College in Wenatchee, WA.  After completing school there, he went on to Washington State University in Pullman, WA where he graduated with a Bachelor of Science in Animal Husbandry.  He continued to be a WSU sports fan his whole life.  After his father’s health declined, he moved back to the family farm and worked with his brother, Bob Pence, until Bob passed away in 2018.  Even though he loved the farm, he had a passion for animals and always kept a herd of cattle on the farm.

               While in Wenatchee he met Shirley Curl and they married on June 21^st, 1969.  After getting married they settled into a happy life together on the family farm and raised four daughters who were his pride and joy. 

               Tom was devoted to his family and loved spending time with his daughters, grandchildren, and great-grandchild.  He enjoyed watching their extracurricular activities and was their biggest supporter.  He will be remembered for his kindness, generosity, and his willingness to help whenever needed. 

               Tom was an active member of the Connell Church of the Nazarene.  He was a youth group leader, church board member, board steward, and board secretary.

               Tom is survived by his four daughters, Barbara Pence of Hatton, Nancy (Scott) Curl of Lynnwood, Cathy (Chris) Wheatcroft of Mount Vernon, and Tami Davis of Lind.  He had 6 grandchildren, Matthew and Kaylee of Hatton, Josh of Seattle, Damian and Maddox of Mount Vernon, and AJ of Lind and great-grandchild Asher of Mount Vernon. As well as his brother, Marc (Barb) Pence of Portland, OR; sister Jane Pence of Spokane and sister Judy Pence of Lind along with several nieces and nephews.  Waiting to welcome him home was his beloved wife, Shirley, his sister Mary Kay Pence, his brother Bob Pence and his parents. 

               Visitation will be at the Danekas Funeral Home in Ritzville on Friday, October 15, 2021 from 11am until 7pm.   The internment will be held at the Lind Cemetery on Saturday, October 16, 2021 at 10am with the memorial service following at the Connell Church of the Nazarene at 11:30am. 

Slowing down

I'm still here, slogging away.  I am 3 weeks from being done with school, and believe me, I am soooooo ready!  I was really stressed and struggling a lot for the end of July and beginning of August.  My post from August 13, Decisions, really explains what was happening.  Sometime just after I posted that I decided that my current job is a one time only thing, if I leave I won't get that opportunity again.  My internship likes me, they've assured me I would be hired there, so if I didn't stay, I could come back.  I've been very open and honest with my supervisor about it, and he said that he will welcome me back if I choose to sometime in the future.  So I decided to stay with my current job.  They found a clinical supervisor for me (someone who can oversee my hours to get licensed) and assure me that they will provide me with a mental health counseling position in order to get those hours.  Now I'm three weeks away.  

I will go back to full-time which that alone will increase my pay.  I got a raise in January of this year but immediately cut my hours to be able to do a second (non-paid) job.  But I have been promised another raise with my increased responsibilities.  I am definitely excited about better/more pay.  And going down to one job will be soooo nice.  And I will be done with work by 430pm, no more working until 7 a couple nights a week.  Have I mentioned I am really happy to be done with school?

I will be the first person in my entire family with a master's degree.  My Mom was an RN, but when she became an RN all that was needed was two year degree.  I am the only one of my sisters that even has a 4 year degree, and now I will have a master's.  I'm not bragging, but am really proud of myself.  

I am still running, today was day 1057.  I am about a month and a half away from 3 years of running at least 1 mile a day.  A few weeks ago I decided to concentrate on my heartrate instead of my pace.  I'm not truly doing heart rate running which means I should be running at a 136 heart rate (180-my age which is 44).  I guess I'm doing more of a 80/20 type training. I am currently trying to keep my heart rate at 140, but I'm doing one workout a week of high intensity running.  This means that most of my running has been closer or higher to 10 min/mile pace.  Which, honestly, isn't much slower than previously, but I quit putting pressure on myself.  I have found myself enjoying my runs a lot more.  It also means that I've been more motivated to go run.  

Last week I decided rather than pushing myself to run hard for 3 miles once a week (that 20% where I'm supposed to push myself), I'll start running hills again.  So I ran hill repeats the last two Saturdays and a long, slow run on Sundays.  Hills suck and my butt hurts.  Last week I ran 8 miles which was my  longest run since April 2020 (my last 8 mile run).  Today I ran 9 miles, my longest run since July 2019 (my last 9 mile run).  

Me legs hurt and my butt hurts, but I feel great.