it feels good

 It feels good to be motivated to run. This was the second week that I ran 4 days.  I have been planning on running tomorrow, Sunday, 3 miles.  I have not run more than 2 miles since February.  This month I've run 20, so far.  I have not run that far in a month since July 2023.  If I keep the schedule I have been doing for the last 2 weeks (and I plan to), with 3 miles tomorrow instead of just 2, I'll have run 27 miles this month.  May 2023 was the last time I ran that much.  I remember when 20 miles was my weekly mileage, it's weird that it's now my month mileage, and I'm happy with it.  Excited even.  

I think what feels the best is that I'm planning what I'm going to do, it's not just a "I should run today" it's "I'm going to run today, tomorrow, and then take a day of a break and run again after that."  I haven't been in this mindset for a long time.  Even before I ended my runstreak.  I ran to keep the streak, but wasn't planning runs.  I'm enjoying it again.  And I'm sore. Just a deep body ache, not specific soreness., but still....

......

I've been wearing my hair curly lately, but have been thinking about a change.  I don't want to cut my hair, I love the length, but it seems that curly hair is actually more maintenance than straightening it.  When I straighten it, I only have to straighten it after I wet it, and then it pretty much stays the way I like it until I shower next (I do not shower daily).  With curly hair, I always have to "refresh," or wet it and redo, and I'm kinda tired of doing my hair everyday.   

I had more to say, but we watched a movie and now it's late.  I'll leave it short tonight, but here is my curly hair vs. straightened hair.  

Running again?

 Last week I felt like running.  Almost everyday I wanted to run.  So I ran.  I ran more days last week than I have since ending my run streak.  January 2023 is the last time I ran 4 days in one week.  I am only running 2 miles at a time, but it felt good to be running again.  I actually wanted to run on Thursday and Saturday but decided I needed some breaks. I didn't run Saturday because I ran on Friday and wanted to do 3 miles on Sunday.  I wish I had run though because on Sunday I really didn't want to run, and I did not run 3 miles, only 2, but I ran.  

I have been a little concerned about my feet, which is why I didn't run on Thursday.  I do not want to injure myself because I increased my miles too fast.  I mean, I did though... I doubled them (or more) from my previous weeks.  The first 2 weeks of July I only ran 2 miles . . . for the week.  The last couple weeks in June I ran 4 miles weekly, and last week I ran 8 miles.  They don't increase more than 10-15% of your weekly average, and I increased it at least 50% last week.

I don't know if it will last (running more days), I'd like it to, but right now I'm doing what I feel like with my running and not forcing myself to.  Maybe that's my problem, I should force myself to do it, I used to.  Even before my run streak I always ran on Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday or Friday and Saturday.

I am planning on running again tomorrow.  I thought about it today, but didn't.  I've never really ran much on Mondays because it was my rest day after my long runs on Sunday.  I don't have long runs anymore, but I hope to one day and Mondays should be rest days.

The last couple weeks have been warm here.  Since the beginning of July we have had hotter than normal days.  I love the hot weather, I love having a pool in the hot weather.  

Yesterday and today have been considerably cooler, and today I don't think I saw the sun at all.  I think our high was 70 today, which is so annoying (and cold) after such a long stretch of sunny hot weather.  I am not jealous of the 100+ weather elsewhere, just want to know why it's so chilly here in the middle of the summer.  

I am 2 weeks away from our cruise.  I'm not sure what I think about it right now.  I'm more nervous than excited, I don't know why.

Still plugging away.

 I had a pretty low number a few weeks ago on the scale, and then I went camping for 4 days.  I'll tell you, Saturday was one of the weirdest days of my life.  A friend of mine asked to meet me because she's going through a nasty divorce and had a hard morning with her soon-to-be ex-husband.  We went to lunch, then a wine tasting, then to my campgrounds where she drank more.  I don't want to be too specific, but it was strange.

I didn't drink as much as her, but I definitely slacked on my water intake and felt really dehydrated the rest of the trip.  I drank so much water Sunday that I was using the bathroom every 15 min and barely able to hold it to get to the restroom.  I was worried that my weight would be up when I got home, and it was . . . but it was up to my newest high number.  I know that's only 2 lbs lighter than my previous high number, but I feel it was a win.  (163.8 vs. 167 when I came back).  

Pictures from camping:

The day after we got there a burn ban went into effect, so we went into town (we were only 30 min away from our house) and bought a propane fire pit.  It also rained the whole time, so thankfully Damian was able to bring a canopy with him, so we could enjoy the outdoors.  

Unfortunately, I have not been able to get back to being that low again.  I changed up what I was eating and I noticed it didn't have the same benefits.  I've gone to high protein, trying to keep my fiber up as well (much harder for me) and low carbs.  If I can get all three of those things in place, I lose weight.  After camping I decided I wanted to eat salad again, and didn't have the same success.  I don't know why, it's not like it's super unhealthy.  Maybe it's the processed ham and ranch?  I don't know.  My high protein lunch has been cottage cheese and an apple.  I am not a huge cottage cheese fan, but it works, and keeps me full all afternoon.  

Then two weeks after camping I went to the Lake for another 4 days (well, really 2 with 2 days of travel) for the 4th of July.  I ate okay, but drank too much wine.  Definitely not as much as I usually do when I go there, but more than I have been at home.

Pictures of our July 4th trip (it was a very quiet trip):

So basically since the middle of June, I've been between 167 and 166.  And we leave for our cruise in 3 1/2 weeks.  I know I'm no where near where I wanted to be by now, and will not reach my goal of 150 and my modified goal of 160 is iffy.  Maybe if I starved myself for 3 weeks, but that is not healthy.

I was running more and then the weather decided to get hot.  So I haven't been running much.  I have sorta been aqua jogging in my pool, but it's not really deep enough so I have to keep my knees bent and with aqua jogging, you're supposed to keep good form, as if you were really running.  But I figure it's better than nothing.  

I'll tell you, this perimenopause thing sucks!

Small wins?

 Years ago, when I first lost weight I had so many ups and downs I would get so discouraged. Back then I was weighing daily and writing it on my mirror. I started weighing everyday again this year.  I had stopped, only doing weekly for awhile and then when I wasn't doing well, not at all.  But I discovered that recording my daily weight really helps.  It is frustrating though when my lowest weight of the week is not on my official weigh in day.  Today (Friday) it was the lowest it's been in a year or so at 163.8, but my official weigh in was 167.

If we count my annual holiday weight gain, I've lost 8 lbs since the beginning of the year, and if we go on today's weight, 11 lbs.  It feels good to be seeing lower numbers, but I hate posting about it.  How many times have I posted "I've lost weight!" only to come back in a month and be where I started.  But this feels good right now.  I've consistently been seeing the numbers on average go down.  I do have days that are higher, usually Monday because I'm not as careful on the weekend, but even the high number is lower.  

I've been taking monthly measurements, and those aren't so great, but I am feeling better.  I think in my last post I mentioned I am no longer doing intermittent fasting, it wasn't helping and doesn't really fit my day. My sister found a supplement called Bioma that is a fancy probiotic.  It has really good reviews, so I started taking that.  I have a few others that I am taking, ashwaganda is supposed to help with metabolism, and the Bioma helps with the gut health.  I am also drinking Metamucil every day, I don't know if it helps with weight loss, but it helps with being regular, and I know I don't eat enough fiber.  I've also started drinking a green drink, it's a powder called "Clean Simple Greens" or something, but I feel it helps with the veggie intake since I'm bad at that too.  The green drink is actually good, it does have a little bit of a powdery taste/texture if not shaken well enough, but it doesn't turn me off.  

I am not running, I am pretty lucky if I get one run in a week. The 10k training plan didn't work at all.  I don't know what my problem is. I see memories that pop up on my phone of me running, and I want to run again, I know I enjoy it.  I just don't do it.  I think some of it is discouragement from running 2 miles and feeling like I'm dying.  I used to be proud to be 10k ready all the time, so it's hard to feel like I've let it slide.  2024 was supposed to be the year I got my mojo back, but I haven't.  I am walking most work days, I take a 30 min walk at lunch almost every day.  

I truly believe the lack of motivation is part of this crappy premenopausal journey I am on. Right now the high protein and the supplements seem to be working to help with weight loss.  

My picture from my one run this week.

Project

 Recently I found an old journal of mine, at the end of it I was keeping track of my measurements (not just weight) and I tagged it, but didn't actually read the journal.  I started writing regularly in March of 2014, and was keeping track of my weight and quit regularly journaling in August, the last entry was October 2014.  I have always been a sporadic journaler.  I have kept this blog up longer than anything I've ever done, but here I write as if I have an audience, definitely not a big one, but I do have a few readers.  In my paper journals I write more as if no one will ever read them.  I'm pretty sure this one is the last one I've written. Well, right now I have a food and weight journal, but I don't write about my thoughts as much., every once in a while I do, but not much.

  There were so many things in it that I forgot about, and some things I still struggle with.  I was in the contemplation stage of running a marathon, I lost my job, at the end of it we moved . . . well, after the last entry we did.  And I weighed between 147 and 145.  I didn't remember that I got that low before my marathon, I thought I lost it when I was training for my first marathon in 2015, I know I got down to 140-141, but thought I had started at 150.  It's disheartening because 10 years later I'm a full 20 lbs higher than that.  😞 

The other thing I forgot was that I was trying low carb/no sugar.  I think I did better back then.  I think I need these things to get me motivated again.  Although, it's 9:15 at night, I'm in pj's, in my bed, I'm not getting up to work out.  One thing that has helped a little is the photo memories that my phone pops up, I have a lot of running pictures, and I used to take a lot of selfies, so those pictures really motivate me to get out of the house.  Although, I only ran one day last week.

I printed out a Hal Higdon's 10k training plan and put it on my bedroom door . . . problem is, I'm supposed to be starting the 3rd week and so far I've skipped 3 of the 6 runs I was supposed to do, and haven't done any long runs.  The long runs are only 3 miles, but I've been really busy on the weekend and just haven't done them. This week I got roped into our project on Thursday and didn't go run, so that was another run I skipped.  Maybe I should start the training over.

Project ~ 

We started the spring out trying to get a greenhouse together from an old guinea pig enclosure. We took way too long on it, and it doesn't really work well, so I decided we needed to stop that one and work on the BIG yard project I wanted to do. . . . redoing our garden area to try to get rid of the weeds.  

Yes, you read guinea pig enclosure correct.  We were told by our neighbors when we moved in that the people that lived here before has a guinea pig rescue.  Well, I have no use for that, or making it into a chicken coop (which is what we thought it was), so we made tried to make it a greenhouse.  We'll go back to it in the fall and see if we can fix our problems.

Anyway, we I wanted to redo the garden area, especially so I could plant all the roses I dug out 2 years ago and put in temporary cloth planting bags.  The weeds were so bad, I didn't want to be fighting them in the roses all the time.  Plus, the garden area was outlined by railroad ties that were rotting, so I wanted to remove those as well.

This is before, the end of last year when my garden was thriving (but not the roses).

You can't really see them, but the roses are on cardboard in the cloth planter bags along the fence line.

These are after (obviously) we tore everything out and then the progress we've made.

I put the planter boxes in first because I wanted to get my veggies planted, but I didn't and it would have been much faster if we had done the outside wall first.

We ended up cannibalizing the planter boxes because we ran out of dirt on the weekend, and couldn't get more delivered until a weekday.  Oh, I didn't mention, that was Memorial day weekend, so we had to wait until Tuesday.  

We rented a tractor for a week to get it done, and not break our backs.

It's not finished, we're going to put river rock in the empty places, because I hate bark, but the boxes and border are finally done and I can plant.  

Video of the finished garden area, without the rocks.

The Saturday of Memorial day weekend, was a lot of shoveling for me and I hurt my right forearm. Not sure what I did, but a week later it really isn't feeling a lot better.  

Today it was supposed to start raining (it did) but before it did I was able to get out and put my poor sickly seedlings from the failed greenhouse in the ground.  Not sure how much will grow, but the rain won't hurt them.  😊 The little bit of planting I did really hurt my arm. I need to give it a rest, but it's hard when it's my right arm and I'm a busy girl.

Next weekend is supposed to be ridiculously nice, so we're putting up the pool.  I joined a couple above ground pool groups in facebook and I have pool envy now.  

Checking in

 I was doing so well checking in here, and then I didn't post at all in April.  Well, I've been really frustrated with my weight movement, or lack of.  April I started at 168 and ended at 167, I mean, it's 1 lb and some would say that's amazing, but it has been so up and down, especially since I started and ended March at 167.

I've tried a couple different things, intermittent fasting was the one I tried the longest, and I realized a few weeks ago it just wasn't working well.  So I am not trying a new thing, I am eating a lot of protein. I also started a couple supplements that are supposed to boost metabolism.  I know that a lot of my issue is menopause, or perimenopause.  But I also drink too much, so I've also cut back on that (again).  

I have been trying to run more, but again, I am failing at that.  At one point I got up to 3x a week, but then I quit, and last week was once.  I also started a YouTube workout, Caroline Girvan, who does weights.  I am not great at doing it everyday, in fact, I think it's a been a week since I did one of the workouts.  

What else is going on?

I started my new job in the middle of April, in fact, yesterday was my 30 days there, It has been strange, but also, it feels like I never left my internship that I finished 2 1/2 years ago.  It has been extremely hard to be in an office (without windows) from 8:30-5.  I know that is a typical work day, but I have been used to a lot of freedom, and spent a lot of time outside of my office.

We have also been redoing our garden, it's been a long process especially since the rain just stopped and it was almost impossible to do the work I wanted to do with all the rain.

All is not lost

 This week was supposed to be my last week at my job.  I have been sad and hurt at leaving.  Sad because I built this program and have been the guiding force for it for 9 years.  Also sad because I'm leaving a great team, and clients.  Because of the work I do, once I leave a job, I am not able to hear anything more about the clients, they are "dead to me," and that makes me incredibly sad.  I am hurt because I've had very little, to no acknowledgement from the higher ups that I'm leaving.  Like I said, I built my program and my direct supervisor has had no interest or desire to figure out what I do.  My replacement was scheduled to start on Monday (after I leave) until I pushed the issue and said if possible it would be good to have her here on Friday, so they did move her start date, but it's still just too little.

I have not been excited about leaving, or my new job, even though my new job is counseling kids.  Kids has been where my heart lays since I was a teenager, so it really is exciting to go back to that.  But I do love the program I created.  I hate that someone else will be in charge of it, and I don't want to see it become unrecognizable, but I suppose that is the consequence of moving on.

My first sentence says "supposed to," my supervisor asked me this week if I was willing to come back next week to train the new person.  I have plans to be gone Wed-Fri but agreed to come back Monday and Tuesday, and even the second week of April to help if needed.  I'm not excited about that, I did offer, but I offered 4 weeks ago and was ignored.  I was going to say "until the reality of me being gone hit" but I don't think that's happened.  No one really knows my programs as well as I do, and no one has bothered to try to learn.  Yes, I have staff that know (mostly) what they're doing, but I don't think they really know.  

Last week I sang to myself (a lot) "let it go, let it go," and repeated "not my monkeys not my circus." It's helped, a little. 

Anyway, if anyone notices, my weigh-ins have been terrible.  All of March I was at 169.  I think I sat there for 4 weeks.  It wasn't until last week when I cracked down again that I saw some improvement.  I even saw my lowest number this year at 164.8, sadly it was not on a weigh in day, and over the weekend I gained a little. BUT, I have been lower on my weigh-in days last week and this week, and I am trending down.  I haven't seen 169 in 2 weeks or so, which is fantastic.  If I can make my "high" number 167 for the next week or so, I'll be happy(ish).  

I have been really awful at running, which means not at all in the last several weeks.  I've done a few walks here and there, but not even really very many.  I do walk on my treadmill at work, but don't count them in my exercise because I feel it's so slow (it has to be slow because otherwise I would not be able to type.)  

What I've really been focusing on the last couple weeks is wine, drinking less.  And less snacking, or less food.  It's been working.  My sister and her husband (well, mainly her husband) is always looking for the "next best thing" in weight management.  They started drinking metamucil because it has all the same ingredients as a weight loss drink he was drinking, but is much cheaper.  They also found a sugar substitute called Allulose.  My brother-in-law is overweight, and diabetic, so they have used sugar substitutes for a long time.  The difference with the allulose is that it acts in your body similar to semaglutides or GLP-1 (like Ozempic or Wegovy) and is not as sweet as sugar, and your body doesn't respond to it like sugar.  I've looked allulose up several times and it seems legit, so I started using it in my tea and metamucil (which makes the metamucil taste better).  I just started it this week, and I have noticed a decrease in my appetite, and I decided to record how it goes.  I guess I'll see.  It does not, however reduce the desire to have a glass of wine.  😂

I have been weighing myself every day since January 2nd.  I've also been writing down what I eat every day.  I sort have been using Myfitnesspal again, but mostly I've been writing it in a notebook by hand.  I have been also occasionally writing down thoughts about what's going on.  This has been extremely helpful.  I can look at trends and see that I have about 1 week a month where I'm higher in weight than I am other weeks.  I have also discovered that Wednesday is my best weight, although, last week my lowest was on Friday.  I've realized having this daily weighin is actually encouraging to me, I can see that just because my weekly numbers are higher on my weigh in day, I am still losing . . . although not for most of March, I sat at 169 for most of March.

I know this is a process, I know this doesn't happen overnight, and actually is slower now than it was 8 years ago because I'm not running like I was, and I am older.  I'm just trying to learn a new way to do it this time around.  The way I did it last time isn't an option anymore.

New beginnings

 Well, I was able to squeak a loss in last week.  My last post talked about how I haven't been able to get under 169 for awhile, but I needed to last week according to my calculations to stay on track.  On Tuesday (my current weigh-in day) I was exactly 168.  And that's really where I've been all week.  On Wednesday I made it down to 167.4, but I've been back up to 168 . . . well, only the last 2 days.  

It's funny what you tell yourself, and then you look at what you recorded, and you were wrong.  3 of 7 days I was 167.4 and 167.2, I guess it's still a majority of days that I've landed on 168.  I'm really glad I'm writing down my weight daily, it really has helped me mentally to not get discouraged and to continue to try. I also measured myself today and those haven't changed, well my waist *may* be down an inch, but I think it's easy to not get the same spot from month to month, and may be wrong, especially since everything else was the same.

I did not run at all, nor did I walk at all, last week.  Not once. I don't know why, I just didn't feel like it, so I didn't do it.  Which is weird because I was excited to be running more.  I did force myself to go out today in the cold and windy (really windy) weather.

Holy cow all this talk of weight and numbers is boring.  But really it has been overwhelmingly on my mind. ~New topic~

I have decided to leave my job.  I've been working at the same agency for 9 years and 3 months.  I created the program that I work in, which is a therapeutic court program, it was expanded to 2 different courts while I was there, and also started a substance use court (so at one time I had 5 different court programs I helped to create and managed, however two of those courts were discontinued in 2023).  For 7 years I worked alone and had no one else who knew anything about what I did (not even my supervisor), in the last 2 years I became a manager and at one time had 3 people under me (not a lot, but I was happy with it).  The recidivism rate for my first court hovers around 7%, which means only 7% of people who have graduated in the last 9 years committed another crime, and that is a 93% success rate.  I have both loved my job and hated the agency I worked with (I actually like the agency now though). 

I cannot count how many coworkers I've had because my agency has such a ridiculously high turnover rate, but I have had 5 supervisors while there (see, high turnover rate) and actually am the most senior person at the agency on the clinical and admin side (there is also a manufacturing side, but there are several people on that side that's been there longer than me).  In 9 years there has been 9 total admin assistants (many stayed more than a year, but obviously not all).  

The reason I am leaving is because when I finished school in 2021, I was promised counseling hours so that I can get my full license to be a counselor.  I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor Associate (LMHCA) and I have to have 1200 face to face hours with clients to be able to take the test and become a LMHC.  After 2 years and 4 months I have about 400 face to face hours, in a normal counseling job, it would typically take about 2 years to get enough hours, and I am not even half way there at over 2 years.  I understand that my "official" job is not a counselor at this agency, but the only reason I stayed was because I was promised I could do counseling.  

In the last few weeks I have just become tired of trying to eek out hours where ever I can, to never get enough, so I decided to apply for another job.  I applied to where I did my internship in 2021, got an interview, and was offered the job on the spot.  It took me two weeks to decide if I really wanted to leave or not, and last week I decided I needed to.  My new job will be a therapist for kids, and it's exactly why I went back to school.  

I'm nervous, and really sad to be leaving my job, the program that I built, and my clients, but I think it's the best decision for me right now.  I start my new job on April 15th (as a manager, I have to put in 4 weeks notice, then the first week of April is spring break, and I'm going to take it off with Maddox, but my new agency only does onboarding certain days, and their next day after spring break isn't until the 15th.)

Grace

 This is it, this is my last "grace" week.  I've been at 169-170 almost all month.  The whole week after my first weigh-in in February I went down to 166.7, and then by the weigh-in on 2/13 was back up to 170.  This last week I've been 170 or 169 consistently, not dipping down at all.  But today (2/20) I'm supposed to be at 169.33, which means I'm still under at 169, but if I don't figure this out, I'll be in the red from now on.  

This time around I decided to go back to Myfitnesspal to track calories, but last year I was keeping a food journal on paper, and I really like that too, so I'm also doing that.  And keeping track of my daily weight, and monthly measurements, and I started writing little notes when I have thoughts and what I am doing for exercise that day.  

So far, I'm really liking the pen and paper accountability, and I want to look back and see my thoughts as well. 

This morning after weighing in, I wrote "I'm 12 days past my lowest weight this year and am back to 169-170, which is where I started February.  Need to 1) do better, 2) tighten up."  And that is true.  I think I got complacent.  Like I said a couple weeks ago, I tend to sabotage when doing well, and then I see no progress and give up completely because obviously it isn't working.  

I don't want to give up.  This cruise in August and the feeling of fatness last summer in Hawaii is really driving me.  I was at a good weight even just a year ago, and still remember that feeling (although still 10lbs up), but the point is, I'm close enough to my smaller weight that I remember how nice it was and it makes this higher weight feel awful.  I did well with food today, and I did really good with the intermittent fasting.  I was letting things slip.  Oh, I quit eating 30 min ago? that's okay, this one bite, this one drink, this one thing, won't hurt.  Well, I think it is.  I did a strict 8 hours eating window today, and am down to water now.

There are negatives to weighing in every day.  When I don't see instant results (I did well today, obviously tomorrow I'll be down 2lbs) I get discouraged.  This is why I need to record it daily, but keep in mind it's a weekly process, not a daily one.  

New topic

We went to a NHL Kraken game on Monday. It was so fun.  Damian and I have gone once a year since the franchise started in 2021, Maddox went last year, and this was Chris' first year.  I hope to continue with Damian.  We are the really big hockey fans in the family, everyone likes it, but we've been going for close to 20 years now and the rest have not.

Anyway, we lost in overtime, but it was still fun.

Last week

 Last week the numbers were amazing.  I was down 9 lbs since Jan. 1st.  I decided to go all out on the junk food on Superbowl weekend, but I've been amazingly good this week.  My weight on Tuesday (weigh in day) was back up to 170, and hasn't gone down.  I'm worried that I'm going to end February at the same weight that I started February.  

Honestly, I'm still on track, sort of.  This week I was supposed to be 170.14, but I was at 170.2 (is it really that big of a deal???).  Last week I was 169 for my official weigh in.  It's so stupid, I am down overall, one high week is not the end all.  Afterall, in January I went up, and was high for a week while on antibiotics, and the next week was down 2 lbs.  

I am now questioning if it was the antibiotics, or actually my period week.  I don't actually have a period right now because of the birth control I take (and probably menopause stuff), but your body still goes through the cycle (I think).  I mean the bloating and such, not the actual cycle.  Maybe that's what's going on, after all, it's 4 weeks since my last "too high" weight.  

Last week I was good with my food (until the weekend) but did no running.  My only running days were Sunday and Saturday.  5 miles, that's it.  It's hard because once upon a time I was running 20 miles (or more) a week.  Maybe that is also a factor.

I am ready for the weekend.

Last week was a hard, like really hard, week.  My first employee, (the first one hired under me) was fired, and it wasn't my decision, in fact, I had no say at all, and I disagreed with the decision.  There were a few other things that were said to me that made me feel that my professional goals, specifically the most important one of hours to get my counseling license, were not respected and were actually being actively denied.  Sooooo, I applied for a job at my internship that I ended 2 years ago.  I have an interview tomorrow, and was basically told by my old supervisor that I had the job if I interviewed (I talked to him before I applied).

Well, this week, I've had talks with my supervisor and CEO and I feel a lot better about my current job.  But, what should have taken me 2 years to get . . . I'm on my 3rd year now.  Do I trust that they will follow through this time, or do I move on?  There are a lot of negatives to leaving my current job, but do allllll the negatives outweigh getting my license?  I'm really, really conflicted.  My sister says leave, but I'm still conflicted. 

Today I had a counseling appointment, and came away thinking, I really enjoyed that, if I had more of that, I would stay without question.  

Slow progress is still progress

 I don't know if any of you have looked at my weigh-in pages this week, I updated both (the Countdown and the monthly weigh in I've been doing for years), but last week was a success.  😊I truly believe that my January beginning weight was high because of Christmas and all the food that goes with that.  However, it still feels good to see -6 and more weight losses this week.  Even though the week before I was taking those pills and my weight was up, I was still really good with my diet.  And that showed in my weigh in last Tuesday.  My weigh-in on Tuesday was 171, but the next day, I was 168.8 and then on Friday was down to 167.6, although this morning was 169, but still good.  I am also taking monthly measurements and I am down an inch everywhere.  

This weekend has been harder than last weekend with my food.  I drank a whole bottle of wine yesterday and as a result, I ate more than I should have, and later into the evening than my intermittent fasting says.  I have always struggled on the weekend, I don't really know why, but I am trying very hard to change my mindset, this weekend has been hard though.  

There are two reasons I slip and start to back slide (and you're going to laugh at this), when I'm successful, and when I am not successful. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's true.  When I am successful and start losing weight, I think I can slack off, I get overly confident and start adding things in, or, specifically with intermittent fasting, I start pushing the times that I eat and I start gaining weight again.  On the other hand, when I am not successful I start thinking screw it, and give up.  It usually takes less time for me to say screw it when I am unsuccessful because I get so frustrated.  

I didn't run much this last week, only Sunday and Saturday.  I know I said I was going to try to run Sunday, Wednesday and Saturday, but this last week I had a hair appt on Wednesday.  I actually took my running clothes to work so that I could run, but my work has been so busy, I didn't have time.  I have been walking on my treadmill while working and actually really like it, but it is really slow and doesn't really count as exercise, it's more just moving.

I keep thinking that I want to run longer distances again, but I'm barely running 10 miles a week, and even then I'm still walking during my runs.  I don't know what other watches do, but when I look at the stats on Garmin Connect, I can see how long I'm running vs. walking.  Today's run was almost 10 min of walking and 26 min of running.  I was feeling discouraged about that, but I just looked at my 3 mile run on Jan. 6th and that "run" I had 14 min of running and 26 min of walking, so not only am I getting faster, but I'm also running a lot more.  

Honestly, I'm probably closer to where I was when I first started running in 2012 than in 2020.  Looking back at my stats from February 2012 and I'm right.  A 2 and a half mile run in 2012, I was running at a 13 min/mile pace (currently I'm close to 12 min/mile).  Back in 2012 I didn't have a fancy watch, just MapMyRun, so I don't have the stats of how long I walked vs. run, but I'm sure it was pretty similar.  Back then I had just started running and was worried I would stop, and was motivated, so was running 6 days a week, even if it was just a half mile or a mile.  I'm not going to do that now, so will probably progress a little slower.  I am doing pilates with weights this time, and they say weights is a good thing to increase fat burning, so we'll see.

I need to be patient and remember that I'm not in the shape I was 5 years ago, I'm not even in the shape I was a year ago, but I'm working on it.  First, work on running at least 3 days a week and not walking during my runs.  I am also still walking when my heart rates gets above 135-140.  It's not really MAF training but a modified version, and I know true MAF training takes a while to see real results, and since I am not doing it the way it's supposed to, it will probably take even longer.