update

I haven't felt like blogging much lately, I don't know if you can tell.  I don't feel like I have anything to talk about. 

I don't know if you read my last post, the letter to my Mom, but in it I posted that I started school.  I started a Master's in Professional Counseling program online through Grand Canyon University.  I don't know how fabulous the program is, but I'm doing it.  I'm also freaking out a little about it.  I haven't been in school for 20 years, which means I haven't written a paper in that long either.  I'm a bit worried about it.

Anyway, this program has school weeks that go from Thursday to Wednesday, so each new week (and assignments) start on Thursday.  Today is the first day of my third week.  I have done all the assignments and so far I have an A. =)  This particular class is a intro to graduate studies class, so it's not really about my profession, but it has been pretty helpful in reteaching me things I haven't done for 20 years.

Two weeks ago I ran the Tulip Run.  It wasn't anything special.  In fact it was a pretty rainy, dreary day.  It rained heavily while we were lined up at the start line and then stopped just before the race started.  It was my slowest Tulip Run ever, well, other than the first one that I walked.  Somehow I managed to get 2nd in my age group . . . out of 3.  =)  I did get a medal though. 

The Tulip Run was the last time I ran.  I have been struggling with my foot, I'm pretty sure it's plantar faciitis again, and it seemed to be getting worse, not better, so I decided to take April off of running.  However, I thought that I would regret not doing the Tulip Run because I've done it so often. 

I started going to the gym again.  I was trying to go during the week during my lunch break, but it hasn't been working out very well.  I made it twice last week, but not at all this week.  But I also like working out on the weekends, and I can't drive to Everett just to go to the gym both Saturday and Sunday, so last weekend I went to a local gym and paid the drop in fee. 

I started thinking about it, and it makes much more sense for me to join a gym that is close to home rather than close to work.  I joined LA Fitness because I was going with my sister to spin classes, but it's been almost a year since we went.  Also, Chris is working fulltime in Everett now, so he usually has the car and I can't get to the gym during work hours anymore.  If I had a gym membership close to home I could just go after work when I need to. . . so last night I joined the gym in Mt. Vernon.  I plan to cancel my membership at LA Fitness tomorrow.  I'm kinda sad, because I really do like LA Fitness, but I haven't been going, and I really can't go right now.  Plus, their spin bikes are sooooo much nicer than Urban Fitness (the local gym I joined). UF is $10 cheaper though, so I suppose we'll see how it goes.

I've been going to do a spin "class."  Really, it's me, by myself, watching a YouTube video.  But I have found a couple "classes" on YouTube that are really good.  I will probably get tired of them, so I'll have to look for more, they're not as prevalent as I thought they would be. 

The first Sunday in May is Bloomsday, and I'm walking with my sister, we'll see if spin "class" keeps me in shape enough to walk 7.45 miles . . .

Mom blog

My mom used to send emails to us (my sisters and I) titled "Mom blog." 

If this was a piece of paper, I'm sure it would be covered in wet spots and smears . . .

Hi Mom,

I miss you.  I love you.  I wake up every morning thinking about you.  I had a dream a week ago about you that was so vivid I can still see it.  In it you knew you were going to die so you were going through things in the bedroom in the basement (why you were there, I don't know, I don't think you can even walk into that room now).  I came in and just sat with you, and you put your arms around me and gave me one of your hugs.  We didn't say anything, but I remember thinking this just isn't fair.  And it isn't, it isn't fair, and it isn't right.

Maddox started baseball right after you died.  The first practice was so hard because I kept thinking about how you wouldn't get to see one of his games this year.  I can hear your voice, you know, the one you used when I played sports cheering me on, yeah that one.  I can hear you yelling at Maddox when he hits a ball.  I hated that you were so loud, especially when I was young, now I'd give anything to have you yelling in my ear cheering for Maddox.   I'm so worried he won't remember you.  I was looking at pictures of you with him a week ago.  It was too soon. Neither one of us walked away from that glad we did it.

Damian started spring quarter.  I know we were worried he'd drop out, but I convinced him to at least do this spring and he can reevaluate in the fall.  He's become pretty directionless, and I don't know how to help him.  I think that maybe going to a community college and staying where he's comfortable was a bad idea afterall.  Maybe he should have gone to a 4-year college right away.

He doesn't talk much about you.  I know he's hurting.  He told me he had a dream about you where he heard your voice.  I think the vivid dreams that we inherited from you has been a curse this last month. 

It's been a month.  Yesterday was exactly one month since you died.  I keep trying to convince myself it wasn't real.  But it is.  You are gone and I have no idea why.

You would be so happy that we (Barbara, Nancy, Tami and I) are talking a lot lately, and getting along.  Yes, even Barbara and Nancy.  We went to Ocean Shores a couple weeks ago, well, Tami couldn't, but Barbara, Nancy, Daddy and I went (we had to take Maddox, but he was great).  Everyone keeps asking how it was, and I don't know how to answer that question.  We didn't go to "have fun."  We went because Daddy needed to get out of your house.  I did run a race on the beach though.  =)  Again, I heard your voice "Way to go Cathy! Wooo!" yelling at me. 

The week after you died, Chris was told by his work that he had to either take the admin job that pays $15 an hour (but is full time) or turn in his 2 week notice.  He decided to take the job, but it's a significant pay cut.  I think he's been pretty depressed, and I don't have anything in me to help him.  His heart isn't any better, and his eyesight is permanent. 

Chris went to the ER 2 days after you died because he had swelling in his legs.  He called the on-call dr (we were home to grab funeral clothes) and the dr told him to go to the ER, I think mostly because we were leaving the next day to go back to your house.  That was a waste of time, and I couldn't stop crying while I was there.  The poor nurses heard all about you.  Anyway, it turns out he has just been retaining fluid, he's on some pills and he lost 21 lbs in 3 days in water weight (I need some of those pills!!). 

Also during the week after you died, I signed up for college.  Yes, I decided to get my Master's degree.  Tara, yes, my roommate from college, drove all the way from Idaho to come to your funeral.  It was so nice to see her.  I haven't seen her in 17 years.  We sat and talked for a long time after the "festivities" were done.  She was the final straw that pushed me to look seriously into school.  I had been talking to a friend at work about it and she just made me decide it was worth it.  Plus, with Chris's job, it will be good to look ahead for me, to better my opportunities.

So I started yesterday on the one month anniversary of your death.  It's a 4 year program, and I'm terrified, and feel like it will take forever.  But really, 4 years isn't that long.  It's a master in professional counseling, which is kinda weird that it's not a MSW program, but all the MSW programs I found were already full, and I decided if I didn't start now, I never would.  A coworker told me about this course that she is doing, and said it's easy (well, her words were "it's not fierce") and they take new students every single Thursday of the year (their week starts on Thursday).  So I called the number she gave me and I got the ball rolling. 

I think a lot of it was because I was looking for something else to occupy my headspace.  So here I am, a college student after 18 years of not being in school.

I'm worried about Daddy.  We all are.  We all are trying to keep in contact with him as much as possible.  And I think he's trying to get out of your house as much as possible.  He interviewed a housekeeper yesterday, I don't know how that went, but hopefully the house won't get too bad. 

I dread going back to your house.  Your house has a very distinctive smell, you even smell like it when you come to my house.  It is a good smell, but it is definitely you.  I dread smelling it, but then I think I dread even more NOT smelling it. 

Oh!  I found this cool running series the other day.  I was going to sign up for it because if I ran 3 races as part of their group, then I would get this really pretty, really cool whale medal.  So I was looking for races I could do, and I finally found 3 I thought I could do without a ton of traveling.  I started looking at the fine print.  I guess you have to sign up to be a part of this group, and pay a fee of $21 a month, and you get all the races for "only" $63 but you can cancel your membership anytime.  So I thought, okay, I'll sign up, sign up for all 3 races, and then cancel my membership and do them and get the medal.  Well, then I saw that if you cancel your membership before a race you've registered for, than you also cancel your registration for the race.  The last race I could do is in October, which means 7 months of paying the $21 fee.  All in all, after 7 months and 3 races, the total came out to $336.  If I paid full price for all the races it would only be $208, so I decided I can't do that.  I won't get that cool medal for you.  One of the races was called the "Orca Run" so I think I will try to do that one for you.  I don't know what that medal is going to look like though.

I miss you.  You were (are?) such a big part of my life, it is pretty amazing the hole that you've left.  My kids miss you.  I love you.

Love always,
Cathy

April goals

I haven't put any thought into April goals.  I don't even know if it's worth making goals at this point.  These are going to be the most simple goals there are, just saying. . .

Goal 1: getting outside (hiking) . . . In April I will save $20 towards hiking gear.  That's it, that's all I can do at this moment.  Which is a shame because $20 won't do much towards helping me get gear and it's going to get warmer out, but that's all I can handle now.

Goal 2: yoga . . . In April I will do some sort of stretching 4 days a week for at least 10 min.
I can totally handle this and since I have not been stretching much at all, I have noticed the ache that I had in my left thigh coming back, so I definitely need to get back into it.

Goal 3: PR half and full marathons . . . I will go to the gym at least 2 times a week and do some cycle work on a bike.
I am currently trying to prevent plantar faciitis from getting worse. My foot is pretty painful right now after I run, so I think I need to stop running for a little bit.  Especially if I want to train for another marathon, and PR it.  I am only driving to work 2 times a week, so the gym is not doable more than that and I don't have a bike at home.  If I can manage more than 2 times a week I will try. I do need to start rolling and icing my foot religiously (right now I'm average once a week on really bad days).  So . . . ice and roll 4 times a week.

Goal 4: healthy eating . . . I will eat a salad 2 times a week, afternoon coffee 2 times a week. Count calories and stay within my limit, cut back on the stupid candy from Easter. And I will go back to trying to keep wine on weekends and one day in the middle of the week, but honestly, that might not happen.
I haven't really been weighing in much.  I've been afraid to step on the scale, to be honest.  I even skipped my monthly weigh in yesterday, I can pretty much say that my weight is at least 155, and I don't want to know if it's more.  It will make my life worse.  So I'm going to work on my diet instead.

Bonus goal: Tattoo
Many years ago I had a friend that got a tattoo of her Dad's handwriting that says "I love you, Dad."  At that time I thought that would be amazing to get, so I had both my Mom and my Dad write that on a piece of paper.  My Dad instead wrote "Me too" under my Mom's "I love you, Mom."  I hadn't had any burning desire to get the tattoo before now, but now I do.  So that is my bonus goal, to get that tattoo, or at least schedule it.