Mom blog

My mom used to send emails to us (my sisters and I) titled "Mom blog." 

If this was a piece of paper, I'm sure it would be covered in wet spots and smears . . .

Hi Mom,

I miss you.  I love you.  I wake up every morning thinking about you.  I had a dream a week ago about you that was so vivid I can still see it.  In it you knew you were going to die so you were going through things in the bedroom in the basement (why you were there, I don't know, I don't think you can even walk into that room now).  I came in and just sat with you, and you put your arms around me and gave me one of your hugs.  We didn't say anything, but I remember thinking this just isn't fair.  And it isn't, it isn't fair, and it isn't right.

Maddox started baseball right after you died.  The first practice was so hard because I kept thinking about how you wouldn't get to see one of his games this year.  I can hear your voice, you know, the one you used when I played sports cheering me on, yeah that one.  I can hear you yelling at Maddox when he hits a ball.  I hated that you were so loud, especially when I was young, now I'd give anything to have you yelling in my ear cheering for Maddox.   I'm so worried he won't remember you.  I was looking at pictures of you with him a week ago.  It was too soon. Neither one of us walked away from that glad we did it.

Damian started spring quarter.  I know we were worried he'd drop out, but I convinced him to at least do this spring and he can reevaluate in the fall.  He's become pretty directionless, and I don't know how to help him.  I think that maybe going to a community college and staying where he's comfortable was a bad idea afterall.  Maybe he should have gone to a 4-year college right away.

He doesn't talk much about you.  I know he's hurting.  He told me he had a dream about you where he heard your voice.  I think the vivid dreams that we inherited from you has been a curse this last month. 

It's been a month.  Yesterday was exactly one month since you died.  I keep trying to convince myself it wasn't real.  But it is.  You are gone and I have no idea why.

You would be so happy that we (Barbara, Nancy, Tami and I) are talking a lot lately, and getting along.  Yes, even Barbara and Nancy.  We went to Ocean Shores a couple weeks ago, well, Tami couldn't, but Barbara, Nancy, Daddy and I went (we had to take Maddox, but he was great).  Everyone keeps asking how it was, and I don't know how to answer that question.  We didn't go to "have fun."  We went because Daddy needed to get out of your house.  I did run a race on the beach though.  =)  Again, I heard your voice "Way to go Cathy! Wooo!" yelling at me. 

The week after you died, Chris was told by his work that he had to either take the admin job that pays $15 an hour (but is full time) or turn in his 2 week notice.  He decided to take the job, but it's a significant pay cut.  I think he's been pretty depressed, and I don't have anything in me to help him.  His heart isn't any better, and his eyesight is permanent. 

Chris went to the ER 2 days after you died because he had swelling in his legs.  He called the on-call dr (we were home to grab funeral clothes) and the dr told him to go to the ER, I think mostly because we were leaving the next day to go back to your house.  That was a waste of time, and I couldn't stop crying while I was there.  The poor nurses heard all about you.  Anyway, it turns out he has just been retaining fluid, he's on some pills and he lost 21 lbs in 3 days in water weight (I need some of those pills!!). 

Also during the week after you died, I signed up for college.  Yes, I decided to get my Master's degree.  Tara, yes, my roommate from college, drove all the way from Idaho to come to your funeral.  It was so nice to see her.  I haven't seen her in 17 years.  We sat and talked for a long time after the "festivities" were done.  She was the final straw that pushed me to look seriously into school.  I had been talking to a friend at work about it and she just made me decide it was worth it.  Plus, with Chris's job, it will be good to look ahead for me, to better my opportunities.

So I started yesterday on the one month anniversary of your death.  It's a 4 year program, and I'm terrified, and feel like it will take forever.  But really, 4 years isn't that long.  It's a master in professional counseling, which is kinda weird that it's not a MSW program, but all the MSW programs I found were already full, and I decided if I didn't start now, I never would.  A coworker told me about this course that she is doing, and said it's easy (well, her words were "it's not fierce") and they take new students every single Thursday of the year (their week starts on Thursday).  So I called the number she gave me and I got the ball rolling. 

I think a lot of it was because I was looking for something else to occupy my headspace.  So here I am, a college student after 18 years of not being in school.

I'm worried about Daddy.  We all are.  We all are trying to keep in contact with him as much as possible.  And I think he's trying to get out of your house as much as possible.  He interviewed a housekeeper yesterday, I don't know how that went, but hopefully the house won't get too bad. 

I dread going back to your house.  Your house has a very distinctive smell, you even smell like it when you come to my house.  It is a good smell, but it is definitely you.  I dread smelling it, but then I think I dread even more NOT smelling it. 

Oh!  I found this cool running series the other day.  I was going to sign up for it because if I ran 3 races as part of their group, then I would get this really pretty, really cool whale medal.  So I was looking for races I could do, and I finally found 3 I thought I could do without a ton of traveling.  I started looking at the fine print.  I guess you have to sign up to be a part of this group, and pay a fee of $21 a month, and you get all the races for "only" $63 but you can cancel your membership anytime.  So I thought, okay, I'll sign up, sign up for all 3 races, and then cancel my membership and do them and get the medal.  Well, then I saw that if you cancel your membership before a race you've registered for, than you also cancel your registration for the race.  The last race I could do is in October, which means 7 months of paying the $21 fee.  All in all, after 7 months and 3 races, the total came out to $336.  If I paid full price for all the races it would only be $208, so I decided I can't do that.  I won't get that cool medal for you.  One of the races was called the "Orca Run" so I think I will try to do that one for you.  I don't know what that medal is going to look like though.

I miss you.  You were (are?) such a big part of my life, it is pretty amazing the hole that you've left.  My kids miss you.  I love you.

Love always,
Cathy