Just do it

 What triggers in a person's brain that they are going to do something? 

Right after (maybe 6 months) I had Maddox I decided I was going to start running.  I loved it as a kid, I dabbled in it in my 20s, finally at 35 I decided to start.  It was not to lose weight, it was because I had always liked the act of running.  I was worried that if I took a rest day, one day would turn into 2 and so on, so for a little while I ran (mostly walked) every day.  That didn't last long, but I did continue to run.  I started reading blogs of people who ran, I would try to go back to the blog's inception and read it all, it kept me motivated, taught me a lot about what to do, and motivated me to run races.  I still follow two of those blogs, RunsforCookies and Belief in Myself, the rest all quit blogging at some point (don't worry, I've found a few more now, but nothing like what I used to read).  Actually, those two bloggers (Katie and Mary Fran) have been blogging so long they were probably two of the few that I couldn't read from the beginning.  Reading blogs prompted me to start a blog.  I started with a different name, I think it was "Living the Dream, a Crazy and Convoluted dream" but eventually settled on Running the Dream.  I even made a facebook page (back when they were new and nothing like they are now) called Running the Dream.  (It's still there, I just never post on it now and it was never big.)

In 2015 I decided to run a marathon, up until then I said marathon runners were crazy, I even got a magnet for my car that said "Only half crazy, 13.1" But for whatever reason, I decided to run one.  I think, at that time, I was enamored with how far I could run.  Each Sunday was a new distance and it was exciting to me.  I ran because I loved it.  

And I started losing weight, it was a slow loss.  From February 2012 to March 2015 I lost 30 lbs it was not on purpose, it was a side effect of running and eating better.  Eating better was also a side effect of running, I was feeling good, so I wanted to eat good.  And I lost weight.  Then when I started marathon training I had read that many people training for a marathon gain weight, and I did not want that, so I tightened up my eating even more and lost almost another 10 lbs.  I honestly felt great, the whole experience was a joy, I was running new distances every week, and I was seeing loses on the scale almost weekly.

In 2016 I decided I'd run another marathon, well actually the same one, just a different year.  I also decided to run the Seattle Rock and Roll half.  A friend was doing it, and I thought it was interesting, plus another friend paid for me.  I went out on my first training run and sprained my ankle. I tried to continue to running, but really just made it worse.  Anyway, I gained some weight because I wasn't running.  Losing weight while marathon training seemed so easy, it just fell off it seemed.  So I wasn't worried, I thought that once I started running again, I'd lose it.  I didn't.  I didn't gain a lot of weight, only about 5-7 lbs, but I didn't lose it.  

That was when my mind switched from running for enjoyment to running to lose weight.  I didn't lose weight, but I kept thinking I would.  I started marathon training in 2017 with the sole purpose of having the same success weight-wise as I had in 2015.

Granted, we're talking less than 10lbs, but it was an obsession.  

Fast forward, 2020 I gained weight, mostly from just being home all the time, drinking more and definitely eating more.  And I keep gaining.  It's gotten to the point where I don't even enjoy running, my go to exercise my entire life (not that I did it all my life, but if I exercised, I ran).  My sister says it's because of my runstreak.  I forced my body to run every day for 4 years, of course my brain is rebelling, and she might be right.  But I am the heaviest I've been since 2012.  I struggle with eating right,  struggle with running, I struggle.  And I'm unhappy about it.  

So back to my first question . . .  What triggers in a person's brain that they are going to do something? And keep at it?  What moves you from motivation to determination (great blog by RunsforCookies here).  I am able to motivate myself for awhile, but my motivation dwindles quite quickly.  Reading the books on ultra-running was very motivating to me, but I haven't read one in awhile.  I even watched a couple documentaries following a couple ultra-races, which was helpful for that day, maybe even that week.  

It's a mindset. I noticed it yesterday.  All day I thought "I'm going to run today."  On my way home it was rainy and cloudy so I started thinking, no, I'm not going to run.  Then I got to town and remembered the stud in my nose had fallen out that morning and I needed to stop to get a new one, and I thought, I'm not going to run.  Then I got home and I put on running clothes and went for a run.  But I didn't do that today, and it's sunny and nice(ish) out.  I need to get back into that mode of just do it.  Just go.  Maybe having a calendar with planned runs days would be helpful?  Maybe I'll try that next week.  Get back to loving to run (and hating it in the moment).

Medical issues and running

A year or so ago I went to the urgent care to get tested for COVID and when they took my blood pressure, I ended up being there forever.  They had the dr come look at me, they kept me way past any time it should have taken. (They never did tell me what my blood pressure was at that time.)  It was odd because they kept me there soooooo long, and then suddenly a nurse came in, gave me the results of the COVID test (negative) and sent me on my way.  Then last summer I went to the dentist and they took my blood pressure on a wrist thing, it was really high.  Like really high (I can't remember the number).  They told me it was emergency room high.  The hygienist said that it was probably the batteries in the thing and they were going to take it again later, they never did.

Well, when I told my sister these stories she told me I needed to go to the dr to check out my blood pressure.  Well, I avoided it.  On my birthday (in October) I felt really awful, so I decided to go to the dr.  Turns out I have high blood pressure (imagine that).  It's frustrating because I am not super overweight and eat fairly healthy.  It's mostly genetic, which I find super annoying.  It took until February for me to actually get stable on my medications (dosage mostly) and for it to be under control.  

I've always bordered on high blood pressure.  Almost every time I've been to the dr they take it and say it's high and they'll retake it after I've calmed a little.  Usually when they retake it, it has gone down a little, but still at the edge.  When we were figuring out my meds they had me taking my blood pressure every few days, I remember one of those it was at 161/110 (if you don't know, 120/90 is as high as they want to see).  

Anyway . . .

As you know, I quit my running streak Oct. 31st.  It had been 4 years of running every day, but in the last year, I had run very little over a mile a day.  I just haven't gotten back into the habit, desire, whatever, to run.  I just haven't wanted to run.  One of the things that Kerri at Beachyogagirl talks about in her series on menopause and weight lose, is heart rate zones and the ideal zone to be in for peri and menopausal women.  Basically she says zone 2 is the best zone, it burns the most stored fat, but when running, I am in zone 3.  So I decided that I would start just walking 20 or more min to see if that works.  To get to zone 2, I have to walk pretty fast though, yesterdays walk was an average 14 min/mile (which is crazy because my 8 mile run on Sunday was 11.44 min/mile average).  

It's so strange to think about, I can talk myself into going for a walk easier than I can talk myself into running. My sister said it's probably because I forced myself to go run every single day for 4 years.  I don't really understand why because other people have run streaks much longer than that and still run a lot. I find it annoying.  I love identifying as a runner.  I am a runner. But I am not running a lot right now.  I did register for a half marathon that is on April 3rd, with the intent of motivating myself to run more.  And I suppose it does a little, but it will be the slowest half I've ever done.  

I've had a really hard time going out for long runs.  Last Sunday I had it in my head to do 8 miles, but Sunday morning I just didn't feel like running at all.  I decided that I would go for a 3-4 mile run and see where I ended up.  I ended up going 8 miles, and I felt really good for all of it, and wasn't very sore on Monday (surprisingly).  That was my first 8 miles in a year and a half (September 2021).  

I only have 4 weeks left before the half, and I am seriously thinking I won't do it.  I just don't feel ready, plus, maybe I just don't want to be so slow.  I'm going to be gone the weekend before the half, and I've been pretty lazy on actually doing long runs.  I feel like I'd have to run 10 miles this weekend and at least 11 next, but I just don't want to.  I guess we'll see.  

Just a very brief update on my last post about tracking my food.  I was really excellent with my food choices last week and I lost one lb.  I think that this week wasn't as good, so we will see what my weight does tomorrow.