Make good choices!

I'm just going to say this now, my heaviest weight was 180 back in 2011, I was never bigger than that (well, maybe after my oldest son in 1998, but I didn't really weigh myself much back then and it wasn't much bigger than that, never 190 or above).  I am now 156, up 10(ish) lbs from what I'd like to be at the highest, I realize 156 is some people's goal weight and I think that's great, but I did not start with a ton of weight to lose, and the 156 feels heavy on me.  I do not want to claim I am at the same level as all those others who have had remarkable journeys, or are on remarkable journeys, I am where I am and can only talk about that.  (Probably why I have only 20 reads on my blog on a good day.) Please don't judge me for complaining about my weight in this post . . .

*******

I've been talking about Katie at Runs for Cookies for a long time (she's technically my best friend since she did comment once on a post, she just doesn't realize it).  She was my first introduction to running blogs, and I will admit she was the reason I started running races, and is one of the reasons I continued running in the early years.  She isn't doing much running right now, but she still blogs (she's been blogging every single day since Jan. 1 2020) and she is very open about her mental illness, struggles with her weight, and most aspects about her life (she's understandably not as open about her family, but still talks about them).  Every once in a while she posts something that resonates deeply inside of me, one of them was many years ago when she talked about motivation vs. determination (while looking for her post I realized she posted that way back in 2012.  You can read what she says about it in the link above.)

Anyway, she wrote another post that really spoke to me a week or so ago about her desire to start running again.  She has walked every day for 223 days, and while I've ran every day for 485 days, I've only ran at least one mile a day, she's walked at least 5 miles a day for 223 days.  Walked.  That is a commitment.  If I need to get my one mile in, I know I can be done in less than 15 min, including dressing time.  She walks 5 miles, if I run 5 miles that's at least 50 min, but she's walking . . . that's a commitment.  

Anyway, this post from a week ago . . . it makes me want to go run.  It makes me think of my struggle to lose the pesky 10-15 lbs (depending on what weight I decide I want to be at the end) I've regained.  I took away from reading the post that getting there is hard, and it's the choices that you make all day, every day that get you to where you want to be.  

I always think of 2015 as my "magical" time in my running history.  That was the year I trained for and completed my first marathon.  It was also the year I saw the biggest weight loss in the shortest amount of time.  I went from consistently just above 150 to 140 in about 5 months.  And at that time it was easy.  I don't know why.  I just made good choices, but didn't give up my wine or my Sunday morning (after long run) donut.  I ran 5 days a week, followed a plan, and ate well, and the weight fell off.  I didn't really even notice it, yes, I weighed myself, but I wasn't actively working on losing, I was actively working on running really long distances.  

In 2017 I decided to run another marathon (well, the same one, just another time).  And I will admit, a lot of my reasoning to run it was wanting to lose the same weight I had in 2015.  (If you've been reading that long, you know I sprained my ankle in the spring of 2016 on my first training run for a marathon and regained 10 lbs, back to 150)  I did not see the same results in that training period.  I don't think I was as committed, and I wasn't as diligent with my food.  I've talked about it before, but one of the reasons I was so diligent in 2015 is that I had heard people who train for marathons often gain weight and I was determined to not do that. Plus, I started having hip problems and took a month or so off of running in the middle of marathon training to hope it healed (it didn't, turns out I have arthritis in one hip).  2017 was also the year I decided to run 4 half marathons and 1 full marathon, so I was running a lot that year and ended the year at 152 (2015 I ended at 142).  

I've never gotten back to the magical number of 140 (an even magical number is 135, but that is a unicorn dream).  And in 2020 I consistently stayed at 155 or above.  

I'm going to Hawaii in June, I don't want to be 160.  So I decided I needed to crack down.  I have done pretty good.  Last week was awful, so we won't talk about that.  My goal for my weigh in on Friday is to be under 156, that would mean I have consistently lost weight since January 1 (we're not talking about last week).  I decided (last week ironically) to put up some pictures in my house to remind me of what I want to look like and why.  I did this in college, the summer after my freshman year (with the freshman 15 . . .20 . . .25??) I cut out pictures from a Victoria Secret magazine and taped them all over my parent's kitchen (my dad probably had a heart attack, I know my uncle noticed them when he was over one evening).  Back then it worked. . . But I don't want Victoria Secret pictures all over my kitchen now, so I did this . . .

On all the places I need reminding (fridge, cupboard, wine rack).  It may be hard to see but all the pictures of me with blonde short hair is from 2011 after I had my son, and the other's are from (can you guess??) 2015 (except the magnet on the fridge from Hawaii).

It's hard to get back into good habits.  It's a mindset that I need to work on.  Today I feel good.  I feel good about my choices yesterday and so far today.  I just need to carry this on for another 3 months.  Make good choices!

Hectic life

You think your life will be hectic if you're 42 with a family and a full-time job and you decide to go to school? Well, add a second job (that doesn't get paid), that will make you question all the decisions you made in the last 2 years.  I am seriously working a lot, which is sooooooo much different than my last 6 years.  My current job is so easy, I don't do a ton and I've been doing it so long that I could do it in my sleep.  My new job is not easy, and there is so much to it.

I am continuing to run everyday, but since my last post, I haven't run and more in a week than I was.  I haven't had time (well, before dark I haven't had time)  My last run longer than a mile was Monday (it's Friday).  I won't even hit 15 miles this week.  I am working out with my sister, not everyday, but most days.  I'm actually enjoying that more than my runs right now, which I never thought I'd say.  Will I quit running? No.  At least not anytime soon.

I've been trying to eat better to lose weight, and even though it's tiny steps, I am consistently going in the right direction.  Since January 1st all my recorded weighins (personally recorded, not publicly) have gone down a little.  This week was only 0.2, but it was lower than last week.  That means that at this moment I am a little over 3 lbs lighter than I was on January 1st, and that makes me happy.  Even though the lose is slow, it's not up and down, which has been normal lately.  

I'm a little worried about saying anything about that because I don't want to jinx it, but really wanted to share.

This was after we worked out and took down Christmas decorations at my dad's a few weeks ago. If your feet hurt after working out or  being on them all day, I highly recommend doing this. It works wonders.

Habits

I started this post a week ago (maybe longer) and forgot I didn't finish it.  

I have become quite reluctant to run outside this winter.  I run when it's sunny and beautiful, but if it's raining, or late, I say screw it and do one mile on my treadmill.  This has meant that my mileage continues to be low, because I'm not running outside and I hate running on the treadmill.  

Western Washington isn't necessarily cold.  I don't remember it ever being single digits, but it does rain a lot.  I don't care for western WA rain, it's drizzly and is like running through a cloud.  I am trying to run outside, but I've gotten so used to just running one mile on my treadmill that it has become my go-to.  I remember, just five short months ago, when I complained about the treadmill and hated that I was only running one mile.

I know it's just habit.  It has been a habit to run everyday for over 2 years, and at first that meant I was running outside.  Then I hurt my ankle and it became habit to run on the treadmill.  I just need to make it a habit going outside again.  

I love the idea of running a lot of miles.  I can see parts of my 20+ long run route when I drive to work (which is only once a week currently) and I always think of how much I loved those miles . . . back in 2015.  Now, the idea of running 5 miles seems so daunting.  Plus, I don't even know if my body can handle 20+ miles anymore.  Getting older certainly does a number on your body.  

Not only am I running every day (most days inside on the treadmill), but I am also doing weight exercises that I did with my trainer in November and December, and I started "yoga" (I think it's more like pilates).  I follow beachyogagirl on instagram and suddenly ads for her yoga program started popping up on Facebook.  I decided to join her "thing" and have been doing her Metabolic Workout almost daily.  I have only been doing that a week and see no benefit.  I have seen, or maybe felt is a better word, a difference with the weight exercises I've been doing for 3 months now.  My weights are a little heavier, I can balance on one leg a lot better (she did a lot of balance things with me because I wasn't good with them).  I've had comments on my backside being nicer, so I know if I stick with something it works, even if I don't see an immediate difference.  (I am definitely a child of wanting instant results.)  

I've even gotten my sisters working out with me.  I told one of my sisters (Nancy, the one I'm very close to) that I needed someone to hold me accountable, so I asked her if she would be interested in joining me for the weight exercises a couple times a week.  She agreed, so we were doing them 2 or 3 times a week together.  Then I decided I wanted to try the yoga thing, so she's been doing that everyday I have.  We do it on Zoom, I share my screen and then we follow together.  It makes it more fun and I feel like I "have" to do it now.  Then, we decided to ask our younger sister, Tami, if she wanted to join us (not for the yoga, she wouldn't be able to do that).  She's only been able to join us on Saturdays, but it's been fun, and it gets our very sedentary sister doing something, even if it's only once a week.

I don't know where I'll end up this year, but I hope to be in a better place than I started.  Plus, going to Hawaii in June is a good motivation to do better.

Oh, I didn't tell you I was going to Hawaii in June?  Well, we've been planning on going for 2 years, and we just bought our tickets last week.  Here's hoping COVID has lessened a little and we are able to go.  😊 I can't wait!

Recap of the unprecedented 2020

2020, like it was for most people, was not the best year, and wasn't great for me mileage wise.  I continued my running streak, that equals 792 days in a row (as of December 31st).  My mileage wasn't incredibly high, I "only" ran 833 miles in 2020.  My average mileage before August was 86 and a half miles a month.  If I had continued with that, I would have run about1040 miles, which is less than 2019, but I didn't run that many.  In August I started having a pain in my foot that I decided I needed to rest.  However, I wanted to continue my run streak, so only ran one mile for most of the remainder of the year.  October was the lowest mileage month at 33 miles, I only ran two 2 mile runs (my longest runs for October).  My highest mileage month was April, at 92 miles.  

I only ran 2 races in 2020, I ran the Tulip Run, that became a 10k (it used to be 5 miles) and was virtual.  The other one was also virtual, it was a 5k but I have no idea when it was, and I don't even remember the name.  I got a cool tank top that says Run Now, Wine Later, and a to-go style wine cup that says Running on Wine and Christmas Cheer.  Those two things were the entire reason I ran that virtual race. After quite a bit of research, I discovered that I ran it on 12/19, and it was called Running on Wine and Christmas Cheer.  😁

I forgot, I did virtual Bloomsday as well . . . sorta.  My sister and I decided to do it last minute, and we hadn't trained, so we split it up into two days.  It was postponed to September, so we didn't do it in May like normal.  

I can say that I ran through a pandemic.  I also gained 10 lbs while running every day.  Well, technically I gained 6 lbs from January 1 to December 1, but stayed the same from December 2019 to January 2021, so you pick . . . (How did I lose 6 lbs in a month?)  I ran during a leap year, so that's kinda cool.

Personally, 2020 wasn't a great year, as so many people can agree, but it could have been worse.  I did not lose anyone close to me, or even anyone I know, thankfully.  I've been working from home since March, which has been interesting.  Maddox has had virtual school since March as well, which has been horrible.  Our good friends and neighbors moved to Georgia in November.  Maddox's best friend also moved in November (to Wisconsin).  

I did not spend a lot of time with my family.  I was lucky because I did see my dad throughout the summer.  We did several (3?) outside social distanced visits.  But it took me 8 months before I went to my Dad's house, the longest it's ever been since I moved away in my 20s.  However, I was unable to see my family at Christmas because one of my sister's tested positive for COVID and then exposed my Dad, another sister and her son, and my aunt.  I am pretty sure I didn't talk about that, but I was/am pretty upset/mad at her for that.  

I can't remember when I said it, I think it was last year, but years that are even numbers are always bad.  something happens in my life that sucks every even year.  Which, when I realized this, I was surprised by because I have a preference for even numbers.  I think this means that 2021 will be a good year.  😉

I'm going to post pictures from throughout this year as the end of this recap.

 

Asher at the beginning of the year, he was soooo small!

We started the year going to several hockey games.  How I miss that!

This was our last family get together that wasn't socially distanced outside, in February.

And suddenly, even the parks were closed.

Damian bought a bike to alleviate furlough boredom.

The Virtual Tulip Run

We went to the Lake 3 times this year.  It was glorious.  Our first trip was a long weekend in May.

We came back from our long weekend to the world having gone crazy!  Protests were everywhere, and I was proud to participate in one to support my friend, and the crazy injustices in the country.

Damian went 3 months without a haircut, it was really crazy.

Maddox got a dinosaur costume for his birthday.  It was the best gift ever.

Our first social distant (although from the picture it doesn't look like it) visit at a rest area with my family.  

I forced Chris to help me put a foundation in for our pool, which was glorious.

Just Maddox and a mask.

Our second trip to the Lake.

Visiting with my dad in a park.

Visiting with my dad on our 3rd visit to the Lake on my Mom's birthday.

The Lake in August, just because it's beautiful.

Asher turned 1!

Maddox's last day with his best friend.  I found this old picture of them from 6 years ago, they were so cute, they always wanted to watch a movie and make popcorn.

The first trip back to my Dad's house in October since last Christmas.

I also started doing my own nails in 2020, I save money, and have gorgeous designs! (Yes, I did this one myself, it's one of my favorites, although technically this picture is from last week.)

The winner of 2020? Amazon!  I bought this amazing hammock chair, it was by FAR the best purchase I made for the entire year!

Doing better

 I'm sorry for my last post.  I should have not posted at all.  I got on to post about my 2020 yearly stats and I was just having a bad morning.  I had been really stressing out about my school internship.  It started last Monday, which was stressing me out because I have to decrease my work hours for the job I get paid to do, which I can't really afford, and also do another job that is unpaid.   Plus, the day I posted last I found out all the paperwork needed to start my internship wasn't completed, so I thought I wouldn't be able to start on time.  It all got done, very last minute.  Like down to the wire, it had to be done by 2:30 my time, and it was done at 1 or something.

Last week was a lot of training for my internship, every day I had something, and I think it's going to continue through this week, but thankfully it will slow down and I'll actually start doing the work.  I go back and forth on what I'm actually doing.  I have never wanted to be a counselor, but yet, that is the master's degree I am getting.  I don't think I will be very good.  I have no idea how I will be responsible for helping people with their emotional life.  I used to work as a case manager for mental health court, and I worked very closely with a therapist.  I used to tell my clients that my coworker helped them with their the insides (emotions), and I helped them with their outsides (appts, etc.).  I really enjoyed that set up, but now I'm going to be responsible for their insides and that terrifies me.  I have always thought, though, that if I was going to be a counselor, I wanted to be one for kids, so here I am, training to be a counselor to really intense teenagers, and I'm terrified.  

In regards to my desk, I am actually liking it.  It gives me a place to have all my stuff rather than strewn around the living room, which is really not good, especially since my job is protected by HIPAA laws (confidentiality).  I did have to adapt my chair, and it's not uncomfortable.  My back bothers me some, but like I said in my last post, I can stand, although it's a little low, but not too bad.  I actually broke down and bought a standing desk chair.  One that will adjust high enough for a standing desk.  I haven't gotten it yet, but I'm looking forward to it.  I won't have to adjust the millions of cushions I have to sit on to make it high enough.  

I have been thinking of not doing an end of year post, but I REALLY like looking at them every year, so I need to just do it.  I've been super busy with my work (two jobs 😲).  I guess I should work on it now rather than write this "fluff" post.  

Last week I actually wore clothes that weren't sweatpants, did my hair and makeup.  Even wore my "fancy" boots.  When I took this picture I felt pretty, which is nice because most of the time lately I feel slovenly.  I should do my hair and makeup more often.

Not good

I have to tell you, I'm not doing very well this morning.  I had 10 days off of work, and I was really looking forward to them.  I wasn't actually planning on doing a lot, I wanted to clean up Maddox's room, which I did, and I decided I wanted to figure out an office space for me, which I did, and am not thrilled about. 

Yes, that's my linen closet.  The thing that I don't like is that the shelf is too high.  I am currently sitting on two pillows and a pile of puzzle floor mat things, and am still too short.  And it's slightly too short for a standing desk, although that actually might be better than the way too high for sitting desk.  

I have been really, really dreading starting my practicum (internship) for school.  I start next week and I already feel overwhelmed and depressed.  I have 10 month of this and I honestly don't know how i will do it.  I just want to go curl up in a ball and sleep, which is honestly what I did most of this last weekend.  795 days of running and depression may cause me to miss a day.

That's all I have for today.  I was going to do an end of the year recap, but that will have to wait.

Winter

 Well, I haven't posted in a month.  I have thought about it a few times and just didn't have anything to say.  During that month I have finished my classes for my master's degree and found a place to do my practicum (or as the rest of the world calls it, an internship).  I will be working part-time, for free, at Compass Health, which is where I worked before my current job, however, this time I will be working with at-risk kids.  I'm super excited about it, and a lot nervous.  Counseling was never a job I wanted, I see myself as a social worker (which is different and the same as a counselor).  Social workers tend to do more case management type stuff than counseling.  But I always thought, if I was going to be a counselor, I wanted to counsel kids, so I'm excited to be going that direction.  My first social services job was as a residential counselor (just a glorified babysitter) in a group home for foster kids, ages 6-12.  I loved working with kids, then I did case management for teenagers and young adults before losing my job and taking the first one open to me, with adults.  I've now been working with adults for 10 years, and it's really hard to go back into the kid world when you've been out for so long.  

I am still running.  I am on day 782 (well, 783 after I run today) of at least one mile a day.  My ankle is actually doing very good, but I haven't been very motivated to run much.  That week before Thanksgiving (the last time I posted) was my highest mileage week at 13 miles, and then I got lazy and went back to only 1 mile almost every day.  Most weeks I've been running 3 miles on Saturday and Sunday, but running inside on my treadmill, while boring, has spoiled me.  I have always been an outside runner, and always after work.  Well, working from home makes it so I can run whenever I want, and since I've been babying my ankle, running on my treadmill means I haven't acclimated myself to winter running outside (granted western WA is mild winter, but still very wet).  And the thought of running in the dark . . . well, I'm not excited about that this year.  

I was pretty disappointed with my trainer, and a few weeks ago actually told her I didn't want to continue. I had lost nothing, was not liking the workouts, and wasn't getting the help I needed.  I told her I didn't think it was her, I just wasn't feeling it.  I felt the workouts were very basic, and rather boring.  I was finding harder, more interesting things on youtube.  I even told her I didn't expect a refund, I just didn't feel like wasting hers or my time.  She asked me to wait, she'd change up my workouts so they were more challenging and interesting. So she did, and I agree.  They are more interesting, and challenging.  But I still don't feel a lot of support from her in regards to eating, and that was one thing I told her I really wanted.  The last couple weeks I really tightened up my eating and felt really good last week.  The scale went down 3 lbs, and I felt good.  

Part of my "plan" is that I am allowed to eat more on the weekends, so I do.  Yesterday I still was good eating, but I did drink more wine than I have been allowing myself on the weekdays, so today I'm not feeling as comfortable (skinny) as I was last week.  But I think if I tighten it up this week I'll be okay.  

Ha! who am I kidding, this week is Christmas.  I love egg nog.  I love fudge, peanut brittle, cookies . . . . (I need to make all that 😳).  So I don't know if I will lose anything, or even break even this week.  I guess, I just need to be good where I can.  

Last night we had a surprise snow "storm."  It rained hard all day and then in the evening when it got colder it started to snow.  It wasn't sticking at all at first (rain will do that) but then it started staying on the grass and other cold areas.  Maddox went outside and played in it awhile and I made a mini snowman, there wasn't enough to make a bigger one.  I love the snow, so it was nice.  And it was nice for the first day of winter.  This morning it is all gone.  😔  That is the way it is here, and it always makes me sad.  When Damian was little (and now with Maddox) I always woke (wake) them up if it snows at night (and I'm awake) to go for a walk in it.  I know that if I don't, they'll miss it.  (I was much more of a night owl when Damian was little, so it was a lot more common for him because I'd be awake and see it, now I don't always see it and so I don't always wake up Maddox.)  

My snow man with the glow in the dark "rocks" and Maddox made a little one behind mine.

Sorry it's late

I started this a few days ago and at this "late" hour of 9pm on Sunday, I'm deciding to post it as is . . . because I don't post often enough.  :-) 

 

I cannot believe there is only one week left of November (well, one week and a half a handful of days).  We are not going anywhere for Thanksgiving.  We normally go to my sister's house, but not this year.  I actually see my sister regularly, so I'm not too bummed. We did a lot of outside socializing this summer, and just did pedicures last weekend.  

WA is under new restrictions, mostly just restaurants and bars and gyms closed again, but they are strongly advising us not to get together for Thanksgiving.  When I was younger, Thanksgiving was a big holiday.  We lived only a few miles from my grandma, but we'd still spend the day there eating.  When I moved to western WA I quit going over there (I did one year and was stuck in traffic forever), and then my Grandma died and my Mom got tired of being the only  one to cook (and clean) so my family started going out on Thanksgiving and it's just not fun doing it that way.  There were a couple years that we had some young people living with us (they were a brother and sister that were homeless) and we started doing big Thanksgiving dinners with them and inviting their friends, but when they moved out they gradually quit talking to us.  Now we rarely see them, which is sad, because they had become part of our family.  

I am still running.  My ankle is feeling good, and I am on track to run more miles this week more than any week since August.  Maddox has been going to the Boys and Girls Club for remote learning, but this week an employee tested positive so they closed it all.  I think it's strange since I thought they were in "pods" in case someone tested positive and only that pod would be quarantined.  According to the letter sent home, Maddox was not in direct contact and we don't have to quarantine, but they are all closed.  So we did some P.E. by doing a 2 mile run/bike ride.

Do some research

 Well, I have not been very impressed with my personal trainer.  I told her that my key problem was accountability with food, and I've had zero support from her on this.  I did ask her about macros and such, she had originally told me to eat 80% protein, which I have been trying, but myfitnesspal breaks it down to fats, protein, and carbs, and my fats have been a huge percentage, but most of them are coming from the protein I'm eating.  So I asked her about that, and she thought what I was eating was fine, but it's so hard to know.  The workouts are super easy, and not very challenging.  Last week I was a little sore, but not bad.  And she said that these are the workouts (exactly the same) that I'll be doing for the next 4 weeks.

I did lose weight last week, but I would not attribute it to her.  I do not think that she has done enough for the money I've paid her.  I am not great at advocating for myself, so the idea of talking to her about my unhappiness with her program is very, very uncomfortable to me.  I keep thinking that maybe I'll just do this thing and use the money as motivation even if she is not actually helpful.  

I don't know if it's because I've been doing this whole lose weight/exercise thing for a long time.  I know what I'm supposed to eat, I know how many calories I should be eating, and I've been exercising for a long time.  Hell, I have a 2+ year runstreak, so obviously I'm disciplined to a point. I think she is geared towards newbies, people that don't know what they're doing, and don't know what to eat.  

It often takes me a long time to decide to do something.  I think about it a lot.  And then I decide to do it, but I don't do much research on my options.  I did this with my graduate program.  I decided to go to school, and chose the easiest, most convenient school, and I've regretted it.  Same with this, I've been thinking about finding a personal trainer, but didn't know where to find one.  So this one sort of fell into my lap, and I jumped at it.  I should have researched it further.

This last weekend on Saturday, I ran 3 miles, the longest run since Sept. 27 (a 3 mile run).  I then went and ran 2 miles on Sunday.  I was a little worried about my foot, but it is fine.  I haven't had any issues with it at all.  

2 years

 Is anyone else done watching the news?  I feel burned out on it, but at the same time, can't seem to stay away.  Since our election was 2 days ago, it's been a shit show here in America.  I can't imagine things getting better before the end of the year.  (I think I have one person from outside of the US that reads this, so even though we voted this week, the next president [or current one if he wins again] doesn't take office until Jan. 20.)  I don't see any relief from this stupid political crap before than.  We don't even know who is going to be president, and we likely won't know until December.  It's ridiculous.  As I type I have the Today Show on my TV watching them speculate on the election, even though they know nothing more than they did yesterday.  🤦‍♀️

Anyway, I have big news.  I reached 2 years of running at least a mile a day on October 31st.  

Saturday was such a pretty day.  I was so happy to have such a nice day to do 2 miles outside.  I wished I could have run 7.31 miles (for 731 days) or even spelled out 731, but because of my ankle I've only been running 1 mile, and there's no way I could have run that far.  But I did run my favorite areas, along the river, and then on the trail that always has really glorious fall leaves on it (a paved trail).  Fall running is my favorite type of running.  The weather is often nice (unless it's raining, and it does rain), and the leaves and feel of the air, just make it my favorite time to run.  And of course, I'm stuck on the treadmill.  

With my ankle, I had been planning on stopping on November 1st, but I just couldn't do it.  I know it's so silly to only be running one mile a day on my treadmill, but my ankle has been doing better, it's definitely not worse, and I'm not ready to stop.  So today (after I run) will be day 736.  

Also, I decided to hire a personal trainer.  I have been getting no where with my weight loss, still holding onto 15 lbs over my ideal weight (10 since COVID).  I was thinking about what would motivate me . . . 

My sister did 30/10, and paid $3000 to starve, but she got down to 126 (I would love that, but I'm not going to get that low, I won't give up wine completely).  She talked about the money, and how she wasn't going to waste $3000, and because of that, she's kept it off almost 2 years. (She gained a little, she's probably in the low 130's, but that's still amazing.)  I don't have $3000, and don't want to starve, so decided I can't do that one.

Then I heard about the controversy about All In by Teddi.  Teddi is a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills (or was until this controversy came out and she was fired, besides she was boring) and is the daughter of John Mellencamp.  I watch the Real Housewives of everywhere (it's stupid, I know, I still love Bravo [the channel]).  So All In by Teddi is a weight loss/accountability program but this summer/fall it came out that #1 it's very expensive and #2 it's abusive.  The people have an accountability coach, and they have to text pictures of what they're about to eat and get permission for it.  They are required to do intensive exercise for an hour every day, and text their coach the proof.  And if they don't lose weight they have to pay the program because they (the person, not the program) failed for that week.  Also, the reports were that the "coaches" were untrained, and very abusive.  Also, people reported that they were only allowed to eat about 900 calories a day, and even after complaining they were starving, the "coaches" would tell them to drink more water with lemon.  

Alright, so I wasn't interested in All In, I didn't want to pay money if I didn't succeed, but I liked the idea of accountability.  So I started taking pictures of everything I ate, even though I track, I was still wondering if that would be useful (it wasn't).  I also started taking regular "progress" pictures (one a week), that was also not useful.

So, what motivates me?  When I was marathon training it was the idea of going farther than I've ever gone before on my long runs.  And the fact that I heard a lot of people gain weight when they marathon train, so I decided I can't eat a lot, I don't want to gain weight.  And I lost weight.  But I can't marathon train right now, and I have already hit all those miles anyway.  

So I thought that money might motivate me.  If I am paying someone to help me, do I want to screw off and give up?  Not really.  And then a random person requested to friend me on Facebook, and I was looking at her profile and she is a personal trainer, so I messaged her.  After some talking about it, I decided to hire her.  This is my first week.  She's in Nebraska (I'm in Washington) so it's all virtual, and so far . . . ehhh.  I told her multiple times that what I'm really looking for is accountability, but I haven't really received support for that this week.  We met for one session online, she gave me 2 strength training workouts for the rest of the week, and that's all I've had from her.  Oh, I guess she gave me some recipes, but nothing I would eat. So I don't know.  But I paid her.  We shall see.

I knew last week that I was starting with her this week, so I ate.  I had the mindset that I'm starting next week so why not?  It's so silly.  I am of the mind that you don't have to start on Monday, on the first day of the month, on Jan. 1st, start where you are.  But I easily went into the mode of "I start on Monday."  My motivation right now is that I paid money to lose weight, so I better damn lose weight, and that's on me, not her.  

not a lot to say

Wow, I haven't posted in a month. I started this post but didn't finish it.